You're not alone...

Oh how that is so true. God doesn't leave us alone. He gives us himself. I'm pretty sure I once thought that wasn't enough. I once thought that I needed God + a man to love me. But I've grown to realize this summer and onward, that God is more than enough for me. This year God has blessed me with the greatest group of friends ever. I've never been closer to a group. I've never been challenged more by people, and been kept accountable. I now feel like if I need help with something, I have my friends to go to. If I need advice, I know who to go to. "Iron sharpening iron", that's what I always wanted my friends to be. And now I can confidently say that I have that. Thank God.

Lately I've been really on track with spending a good chunk of time with God each day. And lately, I've realized I've grown to look forward to that time. I get sad when I have to leave. I feel that I am listening to God too. I feel like I'm falling more and more in love with him. I'm so thankful. He's given me dreams multiple times, and he tells me things during my devotions. He's revealing himself more to me. I love it.

He's the "God of the angel armies. He comes down when praises go up."

Let my praise go up to Him.

-C

The Rock that is higher than I...

Do you ever feel like you've failed? Failed at being patient and kind. Sigh. I feel that way. This weekend I've just been so annoyed with myself. I keep getting annoyed at pointless things, and frustrated over nothing at all. I feel sad because I've kind of forgotten to put God first this weekend. I feel like I ditched Him. And I feel like I've also been just a huge jerk. I just haven't been very nice this weekend.

I just feel very discouraged. I wish I could always be passionate about God. I wish I could REALLY truly genuinely live it out. Clearly. No questions asked. Without fear, I could live the life I want to live. But it's so hard.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the one who made the earth and the heavens. I believe you are more than what my eyes can see. I believe these hills are filled with an angel army."

I need to believe that, and live with that in mind.

God, I'm so discouraged right now. I'm sorry for the way I've treated people this weekend. I'm sorry for the way I treated you this weekend. Forgive me.

-C

Learning Contentment...

I sit here on my futon, and I think. I think about Burkina Faso, India, Thailand, Guatemala and South Africa. I think about Grand Rapids and Chicago. I wonder what God has planned for me. I see all these different opportunities, and I have no idea which to choose. I pray for opened doors, that clarify which path to take. I pray for that voice telling me which way to go.

Tonight I got an email from a lady at Wycliffe. She said that she found an internship for somebody interested in ethnomusicology. The internship is for one female during the month of January. To Burkina Faso. It calls for somebody willing to be humble, somebody willing to embrace African food, and somebody has some musical training. Well, that sounds really up my alley. An ethnomusicologist goes to a place and studies their culture and the music in that culture. Then he/she gathers a group of musicians that can write music for the church or for schools using the music of their culture. I don't know, perhaps this is a door that God is opening for me.

Tonight, at Bible study we talked about contentment. We talked about being trusting God with our money. Could it be that God is trying to tell me that I need to trust him for finances? My parents often wonder how I can pay for these mission trips. Could it be that God already has people gathered that are willing to support me in this mission work?

I also have been reading a lot about an organization called Adventures in Missions. I've been reading about 2 month long mission trips over the summer to different places like Thailand, India and Guatemala. I could work with an organization that helps women that have by the grace of God gotten out of prostitution. I could help teach them English. Or I could play with orphan children. When I read stories about women in India, or children in Guatemala or Thailand, my heart just leaps out to them. I want to go and be there for them. I want to help them. I want to grow closer to Christ by helping "the least of these".

But perhaps God's plans for me are here in Grand Rapids. Perhaps I need to be here for interim so that I can serve people in the GRPS music program. Maybe God is calling me to teach in urban schools. Or perhaps I should just take classes at home and volunteer at a place called Roseland Christian Ministries in Chicago.

I don't know what God's plans are. I pray he will reveal them to me. But I want to be content with whatever those plans are. I'm excited to embark on this journey. I don't know where it will lead me, but I pray it will bring me closer to Christ.

-C

This life is Yours...

Well, it's been quite a challenging few days. From breaking down into tears on Monday to snapping at my sister today. It's been hard. I've been anxious. Worried. Freaking out. It hasn't been fun. My shoulders have been so tight for so long. On Monday, I was so overwhelmed that I just started crying at the end of the day. I didn't see how any of it could possible work out. I thought I failed my Music History test, I thought my presentation would fail, and I thought that nobody from my dorm would show up to the event I planned. Basically I wasn't trusting God at all. I was trying to do it myself, which is what I do way too often.

So on Monday night, I was talking to my boyfriend, and he was encouraging me to just stop worrying and give it to God. And it started to click. I hadn't been trusting. I care way too much about what people think. I feel like I need to do everything by myself, and do it perfectly. I am learning that I need to let go.

So that night after I got off the phone, I was crying and I opened up my Bible. What did I open to? Isaiah 30:19 where it says: O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. At that moment I opened a text message from my friend Melissa that said: the Lord answers those who cry for help. That was so clearly God speaking to me. Then I read Psalm 91, which was such a comfort to me.

Yesterday morning in chapel a speaker spoke over Philippians 4:4-7. Later in the day I received a text from my boyfriend telling me to read Philippians 4:4-7. If that's not clear enough, in choir we performed a song that used lyrics from Philippians 4:4-7. Now if that's not a bright shining neon sign, then keep listening. Later that night at the scholarship dinner, a man was speaking, and he mentioned a verse. He read this verse. What passage was it? Philippians 4:4-7. Now, it is clearly a bright billboard, but even better, in Bible study that night, we were reading Philippians 4:4-7. Incredible how God works. He was crying out to me to just talk to him! To just let HIM take care of me! Just to ask for help!

Today God has blessed me so much! He gave me an A on my Music History test, our presentation went well, and people showed up to the event I planned. Wow. It was so cool. When we went to serve this dinner called the Love Feast, I just was able to see what it really means to live like Jesus. Serving low-income families each week. These people that lead these dinners are so selfless. They are truly living what it means to be a follower of Christ. We worshiped after dinner. It was so great. I was just so happy God got me through this day.

Praise God.

-C

Be My Honeypie...

So a lot has happened. I want to strive everyday to be more like Jesus, but I fail. But I'm learning to enjoy each day. I can't get freaked out about what's to come. It's very easy to do, but I can't do that. I must look only to the day I am in. And then I can be thankful for it. I don't get overwhelmed.

Then I can be thankful for having the cutest boyfriend ever, for crisp air, for a calming Weepies concert. I can be thankful for funny friends, and potato chips. I like to go through each day being thankful, not freaking out about all the things I have to do. And although I didn't start my German homework till midnight tonight, and I'm still not finished and I'm going to finish tomorrow before class, I'm not worried. I need to go to sleep, so that's what I'm going to do.

"Be my honeypie. Never say goodbye. If you don't love me I will die. Be my honeypie."

Man those Weepies. They know how to write a song.

Peace. Enjoy the day God has made.

-C

I know why.

I know why I want to be a music teacher. I want to teach my students to love music. I want them to grasp just a little bit of that passion that I have for music. I want them to understand just a little bit of why I love it so much. I want to make an impact on students' lives. I want them to be able to look back and say, "That Miss Botma really taught me something important." I want to love my students and be able to give them a chance to be good at something. To find something that gives them joy. I want to be able to invest in my students and help them learn something new. I want to be able to bridge that gap between people who are physically not able and people that are physically able. Music is so powerful. It can reach beyond disabilities. I want students to know that they are accepted in my classroom. They can come as they are, and I will take them and encourage them and help them where they're at. I want to really teach my students to appreciate music. I want them to be excited to come to my class. I want to encourage my students to follow their dreams. I want to influence people the way my grandpa influenced people. He was a music teacher, and when he died, so many people told me how he influenced them. I want to be like that. I want to address those challenges that are going to come with teaching. I want to make a way for students who financially are struggling, or who struggle with learning and cannot do well in any other classes. I am beginning to see where my purpose lies as a teacher. I'm beginning to see the plans God might have in store for me. I'm beginning to realize my passion, and realize my gifts. I might actually be really excited to jump in and get prepared to teach.

-C

(Mr. Holland's Opus inspired me. Can you tell?)

Don't leave, cuz I believe we were meant to be...

I'm sitting in the Fish House, where I frequently spend many hours sitting at a table in the back corner, under some low lighting with my giant headphones over my ears, trying to get as much work done as possible. Sean Carey is blaring in my headphones. The soothing piano and melancholy lyrics have drawn me in. I now feel melancholy too. The power of music.

This week has been really good. I've been trying not to rush. Instead I've been trying to enjoy the little things, and manage my time wisely. I spent some time sleeping on Commons Lawn yesterday, and on Monday I went to the gym to work out. I've also managed to get in some good study time. I got A's on my first two tests of the semester. Well, this has all been working out until today.

I constantly fail at overcoming temptation. Sometimes I think I don't have an ounce of self-control. So...I felt kinda crappy all day because I'm just fed up with my lack of self-control. Plus, I was just tired today, and my test didn't go as well as I'd hoped. The day was packed full, and I was hurrying from one place to another carrying a billion things.

So, I'm just sitting here missing a friend, looking forward to October 15th when I see said friend.
And I'm tired. And tired of doing so much homework all the time. So that's why I'm writing this. Not because I have anything too profound to say, but because I'm just too tired to do anything else, although I have a million things looming in the distance that need to be done.

Tonight I just may say "no" to those things, forget about them, and enjoy my night, go to bed early and hopefully be recharged in the morning.

-C

Faithful, You are faithful...

God has blessed me so much today! I got up this morning and trudged off to class with my eyes barely open. When I got there, I realized I had forgotten to do some homework for my next class. During my half hour break between those two classes, I rushed through it, trying to get as much of it done as possible. During that half hour I got a text from each of my parents, telling me how much they love me and are proud of me! It brightened my day.

Then, after that class I got a text from Michael wishing me a good day! I went to the rest of my classes, had a crappy percussion methods test, and returned to my dorm. When I checked my Facebook, I realized I had gotten a really encouraging message from a past teacher/friend of mine!

Wow! What encouragement! Today has been a good day. I realized how much it means when somebody just sends you a kind word. So I sent an encouraging text to a friend...and it turns out that she was having a really crappy day and this was what she needed! God works in interesting ways.

Another thing I've noticed is how easy it is for somebody to get a wrong impression of you. How easily somebody can see you are a hypocrite. I've been watching this kid...ehh..that sounds like I am stalking him. That's not it. I'm friends with him, but I've been paying attention to him, because he went on a long mission trip that I'm pretty interested in. He seems like a really cool guy, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like the ship did much for him. I suppose I shouldn't be the one to judge, but he seems to be only interested in girls. He isn't always very nice, and he "talks smack" a lot. And I may have gotten the wrong impression of him. But it tipped me off. I realized how easily somebody could get the wrong impression of me. Sometimes when we think we're living for Jesus, and obviously being a Christ follower, it's really just subtle. Sometimes when we're doing things that are just serving ourselves, they scream louder. I don't think I'm being completely clear...

Another one of Colleen's realizations..
I was at Evensong last night, and I was worshiping there, and I realized something. I come out of church each week thinking "I'm gonna run this race! Fight this fight! I'm ready to do whatever it takes!" But really, I can't do anything. Every time that I try..I fail. I need to surrender completely to Christ, give my life completely to him. He's the only one that can help me overcome the temptations that lie in front of me. So many times I'm living in the pardon of Christ. I accept that he's forgiven me, but I still feel incredible guilt and constantly am beating myself down because of it. I need to live in the victory of King Jesus! He's won the victory. There's no need for me beating myself down. I need to accept that He is stronger, and I just need to depend on him, because he's already defeated sin and death.

-C

Come all you weary...

I feel..blechh. I don't even know how to quite describe it. A little bit sad, a little frustrated with myself, and just plain confused...

I'm frustrated because I just read a chapter out of a book and was really convicted. It talked about busyness as a sin, and how we need to have time to be praying throughout the day. Because without prayer, we cannot do anything. And I know that I'm too busy. I hate that I rarely get quiet time. I hate that I'm always stressing out and worried. But it's the choice that I made, and I just don't know if I see a way around it. Which brings me to the confused part..

I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I want to serve God. That's as far as it goes for me. Sometimes teaching sounds nice, but sometimes it doesn't. I want to travel. I want to go serve people in a different country. I want to do something for the Kingdom of God. and I want to do it now. And I have an opportunity right here at Calvin. Barnabus. But I'm doing a terrible job at that too. I barely even know anybody on my floor. I'm still majorly struggling with names, and I have a hard time hanging out with my floor. I just want to hang out with my friends.

Basically, I don't like how I'm living right now. I don't like worrying. I don't like living for myself. I don't like being busy all the time and barely making time for devotions. It's gotta change. I just don't exactly know how.

I'm sad because I feel like I keep on missing out on things. I miss out on fun things my friends do, I miss out on fun things my floor does. All because of this busyness. And I'm sad my friend can't come visit this weekend. I was really looking forward to that.

I don't even like school that much. I just like my friends. I am a confused, sad, frustrated girl...and I don't really know what to do about it.

-C

Just open up your eyes and know that I won't let you fall!

I'm sitting at a desk, drinking out of a giant thermos of coffee that says "C-Bot" on the front. I'm listening to a song about giving your fears and worries up to God. "Breathe in now, receive another name. Breathe in now, live without the pain." I just keep listening to this song this week. I've worried so much this week. It got to the point that my neck just felt so strained and tight. I just needed a break. On Thursday I met with my mentor, Sarah. I had a good mango drink and we talked about life. I realized something. I cannot give 100% to every class I'm in and everything I'm involved in. That just isn't possible. All that God requires of me is that I do my best. I just need to give as much as I can to each thing. And that's all I can do. Beyond that, I cannot worry. If I've given as much as I can give, then there's nothing to worry about. I can be content. Man I want that mango drink right now.

Anyway. I still want to fly out of the country. I think about it all the time. How much I want to just go to Guatemala and work at an orphanage. Or go there and help out at JPC (YFC) for the summer. I want to sooo badly. Money holds us back so much from doing the things we want to do. Or I could fly to Calcutta and work with nuns that Mother Teresa worked with. How sweet would that be? Or go to Africa and hang out with some elephants! As you can see, I get pretty excited about stuff like this. Well..someday..it'll happen someday...I hope.

I'm going to start exercising. I hear it relieves stress and makes you feel better. Plus, it keeps you healthy. So I went to the gym yesterday and went on the eliptical for like 40 minutes. It was really nice. I liked it. Good music listening time.

Anyway...that's all.

-C

Know that you are free!

I have a hard time making my desires become my actions. A few examples:

• I want to wake up in the morning to do devotions and have quiet time, but..I can't.
• I want to make my piano playing more dynamic, put more feeling in it...but I can't.
• I want to take a leadership role in my Bible study that I am leading...but I can't.
• I want to have a commanding presence when I'm conducting...but I can't.

Perhaps it's because I don't believe that I'm a leader. I'm not quite confident in myself. I like to think that I am, but really, I'm not. I have insecurities, and I think they frequently get the best of me. I want my life to be saturated with Jesus. I want to proclaim Him in my actions and my words. I want it to be obvious I'm a Christian...but not just that. I am a Christ-follower. None of this lukewarm crap. Straight-forward right there Follower of Christ. No negotiations. It's so crazy that this even spreads to my piano playing. I'm just not confident enough to actually play the way that I hear it in my head. I don't know how I'm going to be a teacher, when I don't trust my leadership abilities. I don't truly believe that I'm a leader. But I want to be. I want to somehow gain confidence.

Second, I keep getting sidetracked by international opportunities for next summer. I just have such an urge to go overseas. It's always on my mind. I want to teach English somewhere, or work in an orphanage or something. I got sidetracked for 2 hours the other day looking at different opportunities, and getting excited about them. I want to know what it's like to teach internationally. I want to learn more Spanish. I want to go back to Guatemala. So..I just had to throw that out there.

Third, I am overwhelmed. I need to give it all to God..but it's so hard. I am constantly worrying about all the things I need to get done. I'm already looking forward to next semester, because I can't handle all this busyness. I have no time for me. No time for anything because I'm constantly worrying. It's getting between me and God. I'm falling into old temptations, and I'm just sick of it. I need time. And Jesus.

God, bring me close to you. You can handle all of these things on my mind. I cannot.

-C

Worthy of my unashamed love...

God taught me something over this weekend. He's teaching me not to worry. I've been really busy, and I know it's going to be a really busy semester, but yesterday I realized I need to give it all to Him, and my life needs to be saturated with Jesus. I realized I had become lazy in my faith. I'd been influenced too much by the lukewarm that one can easily find at Calvin. I heard a sermon at church yesterday that challenged me to fight the fight. To run the race. With all I am. And I'm gonna fail, but that's ok, because Jesus will always be there for me, and he knows I'm going to make mistakes.

Last night I went to a prayer night that Crossroads put on at the Bridge Street House of Prayer. Last night was a night called the Night of Power for Muslims. It's the night where Allah is most likely to answer more prayers. So we prayed that Muslims would come to Jesus. That the Holy Spirit would work in their hearts so they'd turn to Jesus. That they'd have visions and dreams that brought them to Jesus. It was a good night. It felt so good to be in a group with a bigger cause.

-C

Our God will never be shaken...

Today I realized how important the Sabbath is in the Bible. I was reading a part of Exodus, and while I was reading, there were three separate "chunks" that talked about keeping the Sabbath day holy. So I decided that this year, I never will do homework on Sundays. Six days I shall do all my work, but the seventh will be a Sabbath day, a day of rest to honor God. I want Sunday to be a day I look forward to. A day of renewal for the week. A day to remember how God brought me through the last week, and a day to remember that I need to rely on God for the next day. It's really important.

I remember that at camp I would really look forward to Sunday. Worship was awesome, and after worship I got to have solo time. After those two things I would be so recharged and ready to conquer the next week. I would often get distracted from God throughout the week, but Sunday was my day to refocus. To gain perspective again.

I really think this is a good challenge for me this school year. I hope that I can keep it up, and I know that God will bless me through this.

So I throw my life upon all that You are...

Or at least I try...

Let's be honest here. This semester is going to be so busy. But here's my problem: I try so hard to work everything out in my brain, and I get all stressed out about how I'm going to fit everything in. I worry about finding time to practice, study, prepare for Barnabus stuff, have solo time, and time with my friends. I try to take care of it all. I need to let it go. I need to let God take care of it.

I know that my year is going to be chaotic unless I spend the start and end of every day with Jesus. I love him; I need him. But it's so hard to stay in the habit.

I don't want to complain. I don't want to bring down other peoples' days by my busyness. I want to lift others up in what I say to them. So that's another reason why I need God this year. With him, I don't need to have a bad attitude or complain or stress out. Because he's got it all taken care of. As Jon Foreman sings: "Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need." It's so true. I need to remember that. He knows what I need. And he will give me just enough for each day.

Adonai Ro-iy lo echsar

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

Now by Your grace I stand...

So I got home from SpringHill, excited for college to start. Excited to live out the life Jesus has called me to. I was frustrated because I have two weeks before college. And I've realized I've been wasting it, sitting in front of the tv or facebook for hours. Sitting on the couch eating barbecue chips. Instead I could be praising my God, or preparing for this school year. I could be helping out around the house. I'm glad I realized this before these two weeks are over.

Life is a war. A constant fight for my desires. Constantly being tempted, constantly having to be on my toes, ready to resist temptation. Remembering always that loving the Lord is top on my list. All my heart, soul, mind, and strength have to be loving God above all else. I choose to glorify God. I want to run this race, fight this fight. I need to wake up every morning and spend time with God. I need that focus in the morning.

Oh Lord, I want to live my life for You. Living it for myself just isn't cutting it. That's not what I was made for. I commit this year to you. Work in my life. Let me not be selfish. Let me live for You. Let me run this race, and live a life of discipline, because You are most important in my life, and I want my life to reflect Your beauty.

-C

Today...

So it's been a whole summer since I've posted. Last I posted, I was unsure about what the summer would bring, I was sad to leave my friends, had long hair, and was afraid of kids. Well...a lot has changed.

This summer was an amazing, to say the least. I learned so much about God and about myself. I learned patience. There were some days when I wanted to scream or punch somebody, but those were also the times when I learned to rely on God. Rely on Him that he would give me the patience. There were so many times I had to choose to have a good attitude.

God also taught me a lot about beauty. So many times I felt like I needed a boy telling me I was beautiful to assure me that I really was beautiful and loved. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and not be happy with what I saw. But this summer I learned that God created me to be beautiful. He loves in spite of the mistakes that I've made. He made me just the way He wanted to. I can be confident in that because he's the one that made me. So..in learning this, I decided to shave my head. Yes, that's right. I have an inch of hair now. Because I'm beautiful with long or short hair. God made me beautiful. It's not so much of what's on the outside that matters..it's what's on the inside. Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart. In cutting my hair, I feel so much better about myself. I feel like I'm really me. That sounds kind of cheesy, but I'm finding myself as a woman of God..or at least, I'm striving to be one.

He made me more beautiful than the prettiest sunset you've ever seen...because He made me in His image.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus...

...or at least I'm trying.

I'm having difficulty. I'm really distracted right now. At this point I'm going to depend on nobody really reading this, because I'm pretty sure only a couple do...and so I'm just going to talk about it..so hopefully there aren't hundreds of secret readers that'll go around speculating what I'm talking about.

I found this boy..and he's such a great guy. He's a strong Christian guy, treats his family well, respectable guy, musical, good-looking..in my mind he's perfect for me. But I told myself that I would not be focused on boys. I told myself that I would only focus on loving Jesus right now. But this guy is really distracting me..because I think he's perfect. But I don't know if that's God's plan. I know I should just sit back and focus on God, and if this guy is the right person then God'll make him pursue me. But that is the hardest thing in the world to do! But I CANNOT do anything about it..because that'll ruin everything. So I must be patient. I must focus on God. It's a good thing I'm going to camp. Perhaps I'll be distracted and won't have to think about this all the time.

Lord, draw me close to you. Don't let me worry about this. Help me trust in you. I know you have it all under control.

-C

The more I seek you, the more I find you...

I am a sad girl. I don't even want to think about leaving my friends for 3 months. I am so blessed to know them. It makes me sad to think I won't see them for the next 3 months, and probably won't get much time to talk to them. I guess it's just 3 months...but it seems like such a long time. I don't know what I'm going to do.

On top of that, I'm terrified to be a camp counselor. I feel like I'm really bad at dealing with people younger than me. I feel really awkward about it. I don't think I'm that great of a leader. I don't know if I'll get along with the other camp counselors. Quite frankly, I don't even feel like making friends with them, because then I'll get close with them and have to leave them. I'm just so down right now. All this unknown is looming ahead. I want to be able to show my girls the love of Christ. I want them to understand the Gospel. I want to share my excitement for Christ with them. I want God to move in their hearts. I'm so scared that I'll fail.

God, please lift me up. I'm so discouraged. I need you.

-C

You are my strength...

So I have two pretty large things to write about..so hang in there, faithful readers...ha..haha..

Alright first off...I don't think that boys know how much girls think about things that they say sometimes. I am going through this right now. A guy said something to me, and I just really don't know how to take it at all. I'm just so confused about it. I can't really elaborate on what he said, but I'm just so confused. The thing is, I know that I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about it. I get so easily distracted by boys...it's a problem for me. So I keep reading this verse in 1 Corinthians: "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." I should be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. I shouldn't spend time thinking about boys so much. But that is so much easier said than done. But this thing that he said just is boggling my mind. He was so vague..and I just don't know. So confused. I need to put it aside though. Just forget about it.

Second, I think I'm being convicted of something lately. Last night I went to Mel Trotter to see some of my friends from CTI play. I had dressed up a little bit because earlier that day I went out for lunch with my piano teacher. So I got there and they were singing, and I felt so just wrong. I was so aware of how I was dressed. I have too many things. It really bothers me. These people that I was with do not have near as much as me. It's gotten to the point where I feel guilty about it. Especially when I was packing my things to move back home from college. I need to do something. I think I need to give it away. But I want to make sure that I don't waste it or anything. I have to figure out a way. But I just don't think I can handle having all this stuff. When I have a lot of stuff, I fall into the trap of wanting more. It was really hard for me to be at Mel Trotter. I felt like I couldn't truly worship God the way I was. With my nice clothes on. I felt like such a hypocrite. God calls us to clothe the poor, feed the hungry, take care of the needy. And there I stood with my Fossil purse. Ugh. It just really bothers me. I don't exactly know what I'm going to do, but I need to do something.

How could greater love than this ever possibly exist...

God teaches me so much. I would like to tell you (Mr. Blog) a few things I've learned over the past week.

Last Saturday I went to a Hillsong United concert. It was...amazing. Words cannot even describe it. I felt such joy being there singing God's praises. Honestly, there is nothing else in the world that I would have rather been doing at that moment. Now, often songs have words about "Your kingdom come" or about Jesus coming and returning to us soon....sometimes I feel uncomfortable singing those lines, because I'm not sure if I actually want that. Sometimes I feel that I'm happy living in this world. I enjoy it. I don't need anything to change that. But as we were singing a song that night I realized, I wouldn't mind Jesus coming back. Because then I would get to praise God forever, with everybody else, together, worshiping the One who deserves all the glory. There is nothing greater than that.
I began to wonder, if Jesus came again, what would I want to be doing? I would want to be serving, or worshiping him, or telling somebody about him. Doing the things that really matter. When you think about life in that way, it changes your perspective on things. Why do you do things? Just because it's fun? Just because you like to? I think a greater reason must exist for it to really be worth your time. I don't want Jesus to be ashamed of what I'm doing when he comes back (if I am alive at the time).

Now, fast forward to yesterday. I was feeling incredibly discouraged. It was an insanely busy day, and by the end of it all I wanted to do was cry. I played for my studio piano class, and it didn't go as well as I had hoped, and then I received a phone call from my piano prof. who implied by her conversation with me that she didn't think I was ready to play today for Recital Hour. I was very discouraged. I was terrified to play. I would make a fool out of myself. I went to dorm worship that night, mainly because I thought I should, and Sharon Bytwerk spoke. She spoke directly to me. Everything that she was saying had complete relevance to my situation. I cannot be in control. God is in control. I have to trust him, because his way is the best way. I am weak, but he is strong. So, this morning, before I went to Recital Hour, I prayed in the practice room. I prayed that I would leave all fear and worry there in that room. I prayed that all the glory would go to Him. I prayed that I would trust God. And...he was gracious to me. I played the piece well...not without mistakes, but I was happy with my performance. God is good.

-C

You are so good to me...

Lately this phrase keeps ringing in my head. God has blessed me in so many ways this semester! I keep shouting his praises. I'm just constantly in awe of His goodness. Each day I realize once again how thankful I am for my friends. I'm just so happy that I can worship my God with them, and I can have so many fun times with them, and that they challenge me too! It's just the greatest thing ever.

Last night I went to Evensong, a worship service put on by a college down the road. The whole night, the phrase "You are so good to me" just kept ringing in my head! I was singing "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned" with my arms high. My friends were surrounding me, and we all were worshiping God together. I couldn't stop smiling. God is just so good! He's blessed me with such great friends!

This weekend I get to see Hillsong United with my friends! They get to come to my house, meet my family, and go to my church with me. It's definitely going to be a good time!

Praise the Lord!

When you walk through the river, I will be with you...

I think last semester was a desert for me. It was difficult for me. I had just come off of an amazing experience, only to meet a whole bunch of people who didn't really care to know, which isn't a bad thing, it's just the facts. Then I had the challenge of finding friends. I wanted friends that were as quality as the people I met at CTI, people that would challenge me in my walk with Christ. Friends whom I could really admire and learn from. Friends I could depend on, and ones that I could really laugh with. On top of that, I was wondering what to do about Fulltime CTI and what to do about my major. Not to mention, trying to manage schoolwork while still trying to be a servant and stay close to my Savior. I'd say it was a kinda hard semester for me. Lots of tears at night. Or at least, more than I'd like.

But then there was interim. My professor encouraged me to dream big, challenged me to think of big ideas and go for them. He wanted us to grow close to each other in the class. I enjoyed that class so much.

Now here we are. Second semester. Somehow I found friends that I love so much! I laugh so much with them, I admire them and learn so much from them. I couldn't really ask for much more in a group of friends that what I've got right now. I also know what my major is going to be, or at least basically...there are still some kinks to work out. I know that Fulltime is not for me quite yet, although I still really hope to do it in the future. And I keep realizing how good God is to me. The theme recently for my days have been "you are so good to me" coming from a song by Enter the Worship Circle. (Which conveniently just started playing on my itunes right now). It's so true. God is good. All the time.

-C

You see my need and you provide...

My God is so great. Somehow, God always knows exactly what I need and when. He brings people into my life at the right time, events at the right time, old friends return exactly when I need them. He's like the greatest conductor.

I'm learning so much right now...a little about sin and guilt. I've been feeling guilty about a sin for a while now. Every single time I fall back into the sin, I just feel so wretched and awful about it. I think I've been forgetting that God has always loved me, loves me now, and will love me forever. By God's grace, I'm already forgiven of my sins. I think this guilt might be like "worldly sorrow". In 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 it says this:
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."

I think that I've been feeling this worldly sorrow that "brings death". I don't know exactly what Paul means by this, but I think maybe it could mean that worldly sorrow brings you that guilt that makes you feel so small and unworthy of anything. It blocks out the hope, that is the love from Christ. I'm so thankful that God has shown me that.

-C

When I get older I will be stronger...

I feel like I'm kinda just blowing like the wind right now. I'm not really clear as to what God has planned for me. I suppose I'm never clear on that...and I guess that's ok. But I see all these super awesome opportunities pass me by, and I wonder, "what has God got planned for me this summer?" Why can't I go to Mozambique? Why can't I be leading worship in the Bahamas? Why am I not teaching English in Indonesia or Hong Kong? Why are you choosing me to spend the summer with squealing junior high girls?

There must be a reason I chose this. I am trying really hard to have a positive attitude about all of this. I know I cannot constantly live in my past experience of CTI. I guess it just defined me so much and now I don't exactly know what to do with it. I can't just let it go, because I learned so much through it. But am I holding onto it too much?

Where's God going to send me when I grow up? Will I go to another country like I'd really like to do? Or is God going to keep me in Grand Rapids or Lansing?

Lately I've been wondering: Am I really depending on God for everything? I constantly plan everything out for my life. I plan it knowing that it's subject to change, but am I really alright with WHATEVER God has planned for me? A friend pointed out to me that everything I have...everything...could be taken away from me. Would I really be ok with having nothing? A different perspective...would I be ok with having everything? Would I be ok with living a content life in a suburban house somewhere. A feeling inside screams that I wouldn't be ok with that. But could that be God's plan? I don't know.

God has a plan for me this summer. I know it's going to be "a growing experience". I keep throwing that phrase around. People ask me if I'm excited. I have a hard time answering that. Because I guess I'm not, exactly. I'd rather be doing something else. But somehow I know some good will come of this.

Perhaps I will have some influence on my campers. Perhaps I will be able to shape them in some way. Only with God's help.

-C

You bring peace to the restless...

Tonight I was thinking about my three job options. I'm really stuck. So I attempted talking to different friends to see if they had any thoughts/encouragement for me. I don't know, I didn't really get far with that...so I'm sitting here listening to some Hillsong..wishing God would just put a sign in front of me that tells me what to do.

I'm afraid to be a camp counselor. I don't know if I could handle it. In fact, I don't even think I'm that great of a leader. My sister is the best leader...she knows exactly how to handle every situation. I just fall apart. Some friends of mine are just great leaders...it comes naturally to them. I look at them and wonder about what awesome things God has planned for them. But me, I know God has some great plans for me...I just don't know how good I am at this whole leadership thing. I feel like kids are just going to take advantage of me, or not like me. I'm just basically not confident at this point.

Lord, what do you want me to do? I just want to know...

So I'll try my best and lift up my chest to sing about this joy...

Today has been one of those thoughtful days. The ones where I walk to my classes thinking, pondering, filled with different things to think about. I guess it started that way because of the ReGathering service we had. I saw a video of a girl going to get dirty water for her family in Uganda. A song called "Joy" was playing in the background, and it just really hit me. The song perfectly describes how even through hard times you can make the choice to take joy in the Lord. It really bothered me that this poor girl and her family couldn't get clean drinking water. There's millions of people out there that live the exact same way. And Jesus says "whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me." And how much do we really think of the least of these? I know that I am so quickly sucked into my safe, comfortable college life without a care in the world. It's moments like that one this morning that suck me back into the real world and help me refocus on what I'm here for.

Tonight I had dorm worship. I really don't like how stressful that can become every time I do it. Somehow it's always coming together at the last minute. In a perfect world it would be all ready to go and I could just sit there without a care and just sit in God's presence. But I have a problem with worrying, and so it's hard for me to let all of that go. I suppose I didn't do such a great job of that tonight. At the very end I was feeling better. I'm just really grateful for a friend that was willing to help me out. I know he wasn't really that excited about playing for dorm worship, but he was willing to help me out anyway. I feel bad that I didn't manage to get stuff together as early as I should've, but at least it all worked out. Thank God.

Today I was standing in the art gallery looking at the show going on right now called "Sanctuary". There was a verse of a poem that really spoke to me:

Glory-breathed
children of dust
become immortal clay-
the skin of heaven stretched over creation's bones.
Treasure in earthly vessels.

I just thought that was so well-put. We are the skin of heaven stretched over creation's bones. We're made in God's image. Anyway...that's all I've got for today...

-C

Hide me in Your love, bring me to my knees...

I've been realizing lately the different things that our culture buys into that are just completely pointless. People have relationships over the internet, we text more than we talk, rivalry between schools gets so bad that punches are thrown on basketball courts...I feel like people call themselves Christians but are not followers of Christ. We don't often truly look at how Christ lived and actually model our lives after it. If we did, we'd all be serving one another out of love.

God has been showing me that it's not about me. It's so much bigger than me. This past week I served at a Love Feast in downtown Grand Rapids. A group of people invite their community to a free meal on every Wednesday. All kinds of people come to these Love Feasts...homeless, those with huge families, middle class, poor, broken, hurting...And this group of people just brings the joy of Christ into the room. They are just overflowing with joy as they serve these people and pray for them and build relationships with them. After the meal, they invite everyone to stay for worship if they'd like. Unfortunately we didn't get to stay for all of worship, but the part that I did stay for was just amazing. It was just so pure and genuine. They were truly worshiping from their hearts. What I realized that night is that the songs weren't the only part of the worship. The whole night was worship. It was worship as they joyfully served each other in brotherly love. It was worship as they prayed for each other. It was worship as they cleaned the dishes and picked up the chairs. Because it was all done for the glory of God. It was what every day should look like for me. Like a song that I'm listening to right now: "My God, I am not, but You are". It's not about me. It's about Him.

I wish everybody could see that.

Speak, O Lord...

I'm jealous. Three of my friends from this summer will be doing fulltime next year, and I'm jealous. Why, you may ask? I don't know. I know that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to do it next year. I guess I'm just having a hard time moving on. How in the world do you do it? I really like those people I spent the summer with. I wish I could spend more time with them, but I can't. It's just not going to happen. Why can't I move on from that? I'm just really frustrated right now because Mr. Devil keeps telling me that nobody wants to talk to me and I know that's a lie. It's the dumbest thing ever, and I wish Mr. Devil would go away and stop bugging me.

On top of that, I really don't know if I can handle a job this upcoming semester, and my parents keep pushing it. I just don't know. 17 credits and an audit, plus youth group is really a lot. I want to spend sufficient time practicing for my 2 piano lessons/week. I just don't know if I can with a job.

To keep on going, I have a phone interview coming up that I'm really worried about.

Oh Lord, please give me the strength to get through all of this. Help to know how to move on. Fill me with Your Spirit, and help me to live a life that is pleasing to you.

An Excerpt from July 25, 2009

The rain is thundering down on the tin roof. It's like God's angels are giving Him a round of applause for His power and might. I'm sitting here, and it is just such a display of how powerful God is, and how weak I am. Thanks, God, for the reminder.
Yesterday we had our first show. Our first song was Lleno de Sol. At the end of our set, almost every kid raised their hand saying they wanted to restore or start a relationship with God. I'm beginning to see that we are all one family. We speak different languages, but we worship the same powerful mighty God that controls how hard the rain hits the tin roofs.
Last night we gathered together and sang songs in Spanish and English at the same time. It was such a cool experience. We were all praising God, but each in our own language. It was such a unifying and eye-opening experience. I really like it here. The weather is so nice; it's always a perfect temperature. I'm with all these people that I get along with so well and we're working with people that don't speak that much of our language, yet they have the same passion to worship God and share his love and promises with others. How much better could it get?

Why is it so hard to stay close to God in the mundane, everyday things like going to class and doing homework?

Lord, help me remember that it's only by Your strength that I can do it.

Dream Big

When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,
'Cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,
And don't let them know that they have won.
And when you walk, walk with pride,
And don't show the hurt inside,
Because the pain sill soon be gone.

And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

And when you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,
And it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to help to carry on,
But when the troubles come your way.

And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

When you cry be sure to dry your eyes,
cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile be sure to smile wide, and
don't let them know that they have one.
And when you laugh be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all
around and in yourself, and it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to
help to carry on when the troubles come your way.

-Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband

Elevator, elevator, take me home...

Well it's been over two weeks...finally I'm back to Calvin. I'm feel a bit melancholy though. I just spent a week with my friend Maddy. I thought that maybe after spending some time with her I wouldn't miss her quite as much. On the contrary...I miss her like crazy! I also got to see Jordan and Eric which was really really nice.

I was thinking the other day...It's never going to be the same as this summer. Nobody is ever going to be all together. Everybody has lives, and they're all going to move on. Many people I may not even be in contact with a year or two down the road. That's kind of a hard thought for me, just because I really loved hanging out with everybody, and sometimes I feel like I could make a better connection with them than any of the people here at college.

Well it is the new year, and I suppose I must have some resolutions. Or...a resolution. I hope this year (as is my resolution every year) to be closer to God than what I was this past year. I want to continue to fall in love with God. So often I get so sick of persevering through sin...but I know that in the end it will be good.

-C