I feel like I'm kinda just blowing like the wind right now. I'm not really clear as to what God has planned for me. I suppose I'm never clear on that...and I guess that's ok. But I see all these super awesome opportunities pass me by, and I wonder, "what has God got planned for me this summer?" Why can't I go to Mozambique? Why can't I be leading worship in the Bahamas? Why am I not teaching English in Indonesia or Hong Kong? Why are you choosing me to spend the summer with squealing junior high girls?
There must be a reason I chose this. I am trying really hard to have a positive attitude about all of this. I know I cannot constantly live in my past experience of CTI. I guess it just defined me so much and now I don't exactly know what to do with it. I can't just let it go, because I learned so much through it. But am I holding onto it too much?
Where's God going to send me when I grow up? Will I go to another country like I'd really like to do? Or is God going to keep me in Grand Rapids or Lansing?
Lately I've been wondering: Am I really depending on God for everything? I constantly plan everything out for my life. I plan it knowing that it's subject to change, but am I really alright with WHATEVER God has planned for me? A friend pointed out to me that everything I have...everything...could be taken away from me. Would I really be ok with having nothing? A different perspective...would I be ok with having everything? Would I be ok with living a content life in a suburban house somewhere. A feeling inside screams that I wouldn't be ok with that. But could that be God's plan? I don't know.
God has a plan for me this summer. I know it's going to be "a growing experience". I keep throwing that phrase around. People ask me if I'm excited. I have a hard time answering that. Because I guess I'm not, exactly. I'd rather be doing something else. But somehow I know some good will come of this.
Perhaps I will have some influence on my campers. Perhaps I will be able to shape them in some way. Only with God's help.
-C
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