This, THIS, is Christ the King!

So this week is definitely going to be a challenge for me. I am really looking forward to Thursday. I want to go home so badly, and I'm really excited to take my friend Priscilla home with me. I'm also beyond excited because I found out a guitar is waiting for me! So basically I cannot even sit still. What I really need is God's strength so I can somehow persevere in this studying so I can do well on the 4 finals that lie ahead of me.

Sometimes it's good to take a look at where you are on your walk with God. And I can see that in this busyness I've forgotten to look up and look around and may have went my own way a little bit. Sometimes it's really easy to get caught up in yourself when you're busy. I listenened to "What Child is This" and realized how in awe the narrator is in song. He is so in awe of this baby and just knows that He is the King. Sometimes I just need to take a step back and look at how awesome and powerful God really is and take time to praise Him for that.

-C

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good...

Today was such a great day. First, I started off the day listening to Shane & Shane's "Psalm 118". That song just puts me in the right mindset for the day. My class went quickly, and my voice lesson went really well and was cut short. Then I finished a paper, and was really diligent and could just relax for a few hours. It was just so good. I love days where I'm so happy! Thank you Jesus!

-C

Rid me of myself, I belong to you...

I realized today that I have been living for myself too much. I want to serve God everyday, but I get caught up in the busyness of life and forget to spend time with God and serve him. I want Christ to be more in my life, and me to be less...but it's so hard to actually put that into practice. Tonight I was singing at youth group and realized that. It's so dumb that school can distract me so much.

I don't exactly know what it will be like for me if God rids me of myself. I just know that it'll be good, because He is good, and I am a sinner, and I want others to see Him in my life and not me.

I just wish it were as easy as it seems like it should be.

Just ok is not enough, help me fight through the nothingness of life...

I've come to a final decision...and this time I'm serious. I'm waiting to do CTI until after college. I'm for sure not doing it next year. I found out that there are two other girls that are finalizing fulltime stuff for next year for keys already now, so I guess that means that that's not God's plan for me for next year. I'm thankful. I've been praying so hard that God would just show me which way to go, and he has. So although I'm a little bit sad that I'll have to wait four whole years to do it again, I know that I'm doing the right thing. I'm going to go to school next year joyfully, because I can serve my God here too. I have a small group of girls too, and I'm glad that this means I'll be staying with them for the rest of their time in high school.

The thing is though, I don't want school to be just me going through the motions. I pray that I can go through it always serving God. I don't want to lose my passion.

Sidenote...do you think I could learn spanish just from reading the Bible in spanish? I don't know, but it sounds like a challenge I might try!

Till I Only Dwell in Thee...

"If my heart has one ambition, if my soul won't go to seek, this my solitary vision, till I only dwell in thee, that I only dwell in thee."

Yesterday night was a hard night for me. I talked to Taco for the first time in a very long time. It was so nice to talk to him. But as I was falling asleep last night listening to my iPod, a certain song came on...You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham. I just started missing CTI so much; it was as if I had just gotten broken up with or something. So I texted Maddy and she told me that she felt the same way sometimes. I don't really understand it, but like sometimes I feel like I have an emptiness in me or something. I have a couple thouhts about this...first, what if it's God laying on my heart the strong desire to do fulltime? What if this is his way of telling me to do it next year? Second, if I do fulltime, am I going to feel this way all over again after it's over? Will it be even worse?

Most of me really would rather not do fulltime next year. I've got all these plans that have really seemed to work out well in my head. In Proverbs it says that "we can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." It also says "commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed." However it also says "There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death."

So what do I make of all this? I need to trust that God will lead me on the right path. I trust he has a plan for me, and that he can fill the sadness I feel sometimes, and that he will lead me where I need to go...to school next year, or whatever else he has in mind for me. and I will follow.

-C

Faithful...

So first, I'm very tempted to buy the Brooke Fraser cd right now...

So I just finished the book Redeeming Love. It was a great book! It was one of those books you finish in about a day. It took me a little less than 3 days to finish it. I would've finished it sooner if I didn't have to actually do things during the day. But anyway, the book is like a fictional retelling of Hosea. It really got me thinking...with how great God is, it's amazing that he stays around and waits for us even we run away from him multiple times. We're such sinners, and he is perfection. It's like the relationship in the book. The man that's strong in the Lord stays faithful to his bride, a prostitute. It's quite amazing. I have so much to be thankful each day, just that God continually is faithful to me even when I'm not faithful to him.

P.S. I bought the Brooke Fraser cd just now. I'm a sucker...

Falling...

I'm generally in a good mood. A good attitude is something I'd like to say that I'm good at. I'm pretty good at managing stress and not getting overwhelmed. However, today is just not a good day. I've been dreading my piano lesson because I'm supposed to have a song memorized by today, and well, it's not. And another song that she gave me, I'm still awful at it. I managed to memorize another song that she gave me a little bit, but still, I'm very worried. I wish I had more drive to practice. I need to listen to Mike Byun play like every day, and then maybe I'll be inspired to practice more. It's just hard to find time, especially for two different instruments, and I just wish I only had one. I can't wait for next semester.

It's times like these when I realize that I'd be nowhere without Jesus by my side. I can't make it through any day (especially ones like today) without him.

I just need encouragement. I wish I could just play for fun...but I need to practice...I hate this stupid guilt that has to hang over my head each day. I need to get better at managing practice time.

-C

I think I'm beginning to see clearly...

Here's what I think...first off, I apologize that everything I write about is CTI, but right now that's just what's been bothering me.

Ok, so here's what I think. I think I should wait till after college to do FT. I don't necessarily want to wait that long, but I think it's probably the best option. Right now, I'm hoping to major in Music in Worship, and minor in Missions/International development. I want to hopefully take a spanish class or two over the summer and then take spanish next year. Because I'd REALLY like to go on an interim to Honduras for international development and spanish classes. But I just can't get CTI off the brain, and I really think I will for sure do it the year after I graduate. Like that's pretty much positive, unless God decides he has other plans for me.

So I think that's my final decision. I want to do CTI again as soon as possible. Like, I would absolutely LOVE to do it next year, but I think it'd be a smarter choice to wait.

Anyway, so there you go. That's the scoop.

-C

Short thought..

What if I need to wait until I stop wanting to do fulltime so badly...maybe I need to wait until I can put it off to the side, and then if God's calling me to it, then I really will be able to know that it's not my own wants, but what he wants for me.

But in the same way, what if God is placing this desire on my heart because it's in his plan for me to do it.

Questions...

So I thought I knew exactly which way I had to go. Fulltime was for me. That's what I was gonna do. So I told my parents and had them pray for me and stuff. I asked them to really pray because I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. So I talked to them last weekend, and they said they were really worried about that decision. They said that they really weren't comforable with me taking a year off of school. They said that they had been praying about it, and thought it was best if I didn't do it next year. So I took that as God telling me that next year wasn't the best time. So I decided, "ok, no I won't do it next year. Maybe after college."

So I was alright with that decision as long as it still was a possibility that I would do it after college, because I don't want this to be the end of my CTI-ing. So that brings us to last night. I was sitting there on facebook, and I saw that Gretchen had posted something new on her blog. So I decided to read it.

She wrote a prayer for those deciding whether to do fulltime. She prayed that God would open our eyes to see CTI as the most beautiful opportunity that they could be given. And then she put up Philippians 3:8:

"What is more I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ."

Then I started talking to Jordan about it, and he pointed me to Psalm 37:something or other which says:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Needless to say, I have no clue what to do anymore. I'm afraid to talk to my parents because they think I'm closeminded and haven't given college a chance. The truth is that I love college, and it WOULD be really hard for me to leave it for a year. That leaves the complete uncertainty of friends when I get back, of a place in a choir, of a position as a worship apprentice...and that really would be tough to leave. But see, when I read Phil. 3:8, it all just seems so trivial and unimportant. Honestly what could possibly be better for me than serving God for a year. Then when I read Ps. 37, I'm even more convinced because it says that if I delight myself in the Lord, then he will give me the desires of my heart. I want to do CTI. Does that mean that that's God's will for me?

Beside that, I started reading (actually I'm listening to) a book by Francis Chan. He wrote that so often we talk about what God's will is for our lives, and we don't actually just go out and do something. Am I just contemplating this too much? Should I just go for it?

Finally I was reading a few Psalms after 37, and in Ps. 39 it says that "each man's life is but a breath." The question I have here is: How long is my life going to be? Shouldn't I make the most of it by serving God with my whole life? Then again, I can serve God through my schoolwork, and I plan to...but what could be better than serving God through music and telling others about the Good News of Christ? How can I not tell people about my Friend, Father, and Savior? Right now I'm sitting here in a Christian college, and it's a little harder for me to do that. Granted, not everybody here is a Christian, but it's just harder to do that here.

I'm so torn once again. I'm becoming closer to people at college, yet there's still a tug on my heart towards CTI.

So I guess right now I'm just left with many questions...if anybody actually reads this, then I appreciate that you managed to read through this whole long regurgitating of my thoughts...

I don't think I should question the huge sign hanging right in front of my face...

I think it's all been made clear. At the end of the summer I began to pray about what I should do with my life, in the here and now, in the near future, and in the long term. I've really been struggling with it. Should I be a choir director, or should I be a worship leader? Which is what I want and which is what God wants for me, and do they match up? How can I serve around here, being at college? What should I do next summer? Should I do fulltime next year? All these questions I've just been wondering about constantly. I was so worried about it for like the first month after cti. and then, I decided I didn't need to know. Eventually, if I just stayed close with God and sought after His will, not my own, that he would let me know where I should go. I decided to stop worrying about it.

Today's sermon at church was about Paul and his journeys. The main theme of the message was that Paul didn't "play it safe". He went out of his comfort zone. He did things that weren't exactly convenient at the time for him. The convenience thing really got me. Right now, it would be convenient for me to just stay at school and do all that whole jazz right in a row like what's normal for most people. But then he read Acts 20:24:
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given to me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."
I want that to be my life. It's all about that really. In Ephesians it says that we were created to do good works that God prepared in advance for us to do. My life is about doing what God set out for me. It's all that I can do to thank Him for what He's done for me. He is the composer and director of my life. I don't want to let CTI pass me by just because it's not convenient for me to do. I'm pretty sure that's what God's calling me towards, and I don't want to say no.

But that doesn't answer my question about how I can be serving now. I really think I want to see if I can in some way help out with the high school youth group at Aida. My sister's helping, so I could easily get a ride there, and I would just really like to lead some kids along you know? In a sermon I heard at my church at home right before I left for college, the pastor said that we all need mentors and we need to be mentees. We need somebody who can help us along, and we need to help others along in their walk. I think this is a way that I can help others along in their walk. I think I'd really enjoy it, and it's something that I can do to serve at the church instead of just going there every Sunday. So, I'm going to email the guy today.

I think that's enough of me babbling. I've got too much homework to do.

-C

Walking alone in the dark...

Today, I decided, was a good day. See this is kind of surprising, because every Mon, Wed, and Fri are all really busy days for me. I've got a bunch of classes in a row and don't really have time for lunch. However, today was different. I had no homework for Theology or English, and I got out of choir early, so I had time to eat lunch before German. But that's not the only reason today was good.

I signed up for practice times for piano (7 hours, and that's only less than half of what I have to practice per week), and so after dinner I headed over to a practice room. It was in the basement of this random building, and it was a really big room with a rather nice upright piano. I had an hour of complete silence and alone-ness to practice the piano. It was glorious! So wonderful! I haven't practiced in complete solitude in a very long time.

And so I was walking alone in the dark back to my dorm, and I just looked up to the sky and knew God was great. Just a little moment of "wow, God, you really are just so wonderful!" I love those little times when you realize how great He is and how much you love Him!

-C

Revelation and self-doubt

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. Where am I going to be next year? What am I going to do with my life? Will I make the wrong decision? Where is God leading me? All these questions have been lingering around in my head these past few days and weeks.

The other day, I was at a chapel that Brandon Haan spoke for, and he spoke about his summer. He made an important point that I need to remember. We don't have to be away across the country or overseas to do God's work. We need to find "our Calcutta's" (as Mother Teresa is quoted in The Irresistable Revolution) here. That got me thinking. I have to stop living in the past and the future. I spend so much of my time thinking about how much I miss this summer, and almost as much time thinking about whether I should do fulltime for CTI. But where does that leave me now? I haven't been living for each day. I have to start finding ways to serve God here. God brought me here for a reason. So I can't waste my time here by thinking about the past and future.

I was sitting in my Theology class, and we were talking about revelation. How God speaks to us. He gave us 11 ways of seeing if a revelation is from God. Then he told the class about a revelation that he had about which graduate school he should go to. So I began to pray for a revelation about where I should go with my life.

That brings us to today. I woke up, and couldn't open my one eye because it was crusty and teary. Ugh..pink eye! I roll out of bed and get ready. I didn't do anything with my hair or makeup because quite frankly I didn't care. I was tired and had pink eye. I trudged off to class with a handful of cereal and some apple juice. I sat in my Music class looking intently at my computer so that nobody would notice my nasty eye. As the class went on we started discussing how we choose whether songs are appropriate or not for a church service. Then Dr. Pohlman came and talked to us about being on the committee for making a new hymnal. He told us how they decide what songs to put in, and what some of the problems in our music today are. He also talked about the Music & Worship major here at Calvin. After the class I was convinced that I needed to switch my major. Before class I wasn't planning on going to chapel because...well...I had pink eye and was tired. But after class, I was excited for the quiet reflective chapel. I needed to quietly go before God to know if this is what I should do. I am pretty convinced that I should. Along with that, I'm pretty sure I want to do fulltime CTI next year. I feel like if the only reason I'd stay would be for friends, then I can't stay. Because friends will come and go. If this is God's will, then how can I say no so that I can keep my friends.

Oh, and to address the self-doubt thing...I was sitting in recital hour today, and I realized how amazing all the people taking voice lessons are. I began to feel really really insecure. I felt like I had nothing to offer. I began to wonder if I really should do Music & Worship because there'll probably be a million other better candidates for a job than me. I was extremely intimidated. I don't even want to stand next to a girl that I'm in Women's Chorale with because she is so incredibly talented. I'm afraid she listens to me and wonders how I made the choir. My sister told me that there's always going to be better people, and that I should let them inspire me to be better. But what if I can't get any better? What if I've reached my potential? It still worries me...I guess I'll just have to trust that God has a plan for me...

I wish I could go back...

It's been...almost a month since CTI. I've started college, and started my classes and started making new friends. I've rushed around going to classes, studying, hanging out with friends...and now I've finally sat alone to think. But when I think too long, then I cry. Because I just want to go back.

I miss the days when I started off my day wanting to be God's servant. Where I wanted to live out God's love for me so passionately that everybody knew that it was there. When I was playing a concert and realized that it really wasn't about the music, that it was about God using me to give somebody a chance at salvation. My life seemed so meaningful then.

When I was at church the Sunday before I left for college, I was comforted. I really thought that it was in God's plan for me to go to college. He has a plan for me here. So I left for college with that comfort and knowledge.

But now that I've been here. My life just doesn't seem so meaningful anymore. I wake up wanting to be God's servant, but I don't know how. I wake up wanting to live passionately for God, but then homework, classes, worries about friends all squelch up that desire.

But what I'm really thankful for is the friends that I made that I can now talk to about these things that I go through.

I feel bad...

I haven't updated this thing-er-mer-bob yet. I'm sorry to all the readers.

I got here two weeks ago. I love my host family. They are super awesome. I'm staying on a farm. They have two horses! and some cows. I'm staying with two other girls: Madeleine (keys for Serbia) and Chelsea (vocals for Guatemala). I'm having a super blast. I couldn't be having more fun. I couldn't be loving it more.

Tonight was the final night. We had our commissioning service tonight. It was really really good. When I was singing the song "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham, I really realized that we were all totally unified. We were all just crying out to God and praising and worshipping him together. It was so cool. We had communion together and our leaders washed our feet. It was just so great. I was singing a Hillsong song...I forget what it's called...and I just had to stop singing because I was smiling too wide. I just couldn't even sing I was so happy. This is what we were made for. We were made to worship God with our whole lives. There is joy in that. Really. Joy. I love how much joy I get when I'm close to my Father. It's the greatest thing anyone could ever ask for. The love from my Savior, and the joy that comes from that.

CTI has been amazing so far. Thanks to all of you who look forward to reading this blog even though I totally didn't update it at all. I've been really really really busy...we had training every day from 8 in the morning till 8:30 at night...so time was kinda limited. I really appreciate all your prayers though.

Tomorrow I leave for Guatemala. My plane takes off at 2:55 pm. So pray that that goes well. I'm really excited to see what God has planned.

If I've learned anything so far, it's that it's not about me. It's about Him. That's probably one of the most important things anyone could ever learn.

-C

Tomorrow is the big day...

I leave for Willmar, MN tomorrow! It's exciting! I'm all done packing, and now I just hope I didn't forget anything.
Excuse me while I go get something that I forgot....

It's crazy. It seems like just yesterday I sent in my audition cd to CTI, and now all of a sudden I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm extremely excited, but also a little nervous. There's just that thought in the back of my head that somehow I won't match up. But I know that God has me doing this for a reason.

Yesterday was a great service at church. I was playing for it, and the video that started off the service was wonderful. It was a great reminder to me that worship isn't at all about me. It's about God. It's about bringing all the stuff that I struggle with to the cross and just declaring His greatness. I often need that reminder.

So tomorrow I leave at like 7:30 in the morning. I should get to Willmar sometime a little before 5.

Pray for safe travels.

Thanks.

-C

So my blog disappeared...

Yep. That's right. I can go to it, but for some reason when I sign in, it says I have no blogs. Strange, but I guess that's alright. I'll just have to start this one and hope it doesn't disappear.

So I'm leaving for CTI in 3 days. Three days. I'm quite worried. The anticipation is killing me. I know I'll have a wonderful time, but I don't really know what to expect. I fear that my faith story will be crappy and my devotions won't be right. I fear that I'll get super sick in Guatemala or something. There's certain people that I've already had to say goodbye to, and I miss them so much already. I'm not going to be able to contact them for six weeks. I don't know. I'm just really going to miss them. I wish I could see them, or take them with me. Also, after Passport craziness, quite honestly I don't feel like meeting any more new people.

I'm overwhelmed by all these transitions that I will be going through. After I get back from CTI, I'll transition to being back at home, but then 2 weeks later, I'll have to transition to being at Calvin, which also worries me because of the giant amount of homework that I know is looming ahead. I feel like I will be swamped with more than what I can handle. And I hate Biology.

So beside all that, I realized today what a crappy person I've been lately. I've been so evil to my parents, frustrated with everybody, and not willing to tolerate any sort of stupidity or annoyance. It's probably because of all that's going on. But I just want to be pleasant again. My mother asked where she failed in me today. What a wonderful thing to hear. Makes you feel so good. On top of that, I've been kinda ignoring God, not doing my devos. I don't even know why. I just haven't felt like it, and so I don't do them. Which is awful. I just don't know what's gotten into me. Hopefully it'll get better when I leave for Minnesota.

-C