I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. Where am I going to be next year? What am I going to do with my life? Will I make the wrong decision? Where is God leading me? All these questions have been lingering around in my head these past few days and weeks.
The other day, I was at a chapel that Brandon Haan spoke for, and he spoke about his summer. He made an important point that I need to remember. We don't have to be away across the country or overseas to do God's work. We need to find "our Calcutta's" (as Mother Teresa is quoted in The Irresistable Revolution) here. That got me thinking. I have to stop living in the past and the future. I spend so much of my time thinking about how much I miss this summer, and almost as much time thinking about whether I should do fulltime for CTI. But where does that leave me now? I haven't been living for each day. I have to start finding ways to serve God here. God brought me here for a reason. So I can't waste my time here by thinking about the past and future.
I was sitting in my Theology class, and we were talking about revelation. How God speaks to us. He gave us 11 ways of seeing if a revelation is from God. Then he told the class about a revelation that he had about which graduate school he should go to. So I began to pray for a revelation about where I should go with my life.
That brings us to today. I woke up, and couldn't open my one eye because it was crusty and teary. Ugh..pink eye! I roll out of bed and get ready. I didn't do anything with my hair or makeup because quite frankly I didn't care. I was tired and had pink eye. I trudged off to class with a handful of cereal and some apple juice. I sat in my Music class looking intently at my computer so that nobody would notice my nasty eye. As the class went on we started discussing how we choose whether songs are appropriate or not for a church service. Then Dr. Pohlman came and talked to us about being on the committee for making a new hymnal. He told us how they decide what songs to put in, and what some of the problems in our music today are. He also talked about the Music & Worship major here at Calvin. After the class I was convinced that I needed to switch my major. Before class I wasn't planning on going to chapel because...well...I had pink eye and was tired. But after class, I was excited for the quiet reflective chapel. I needed to quietly go before God to know if this is what I should do. I am pretty convinced that I should. Along with that, I'm pretty sure I want to do fulltime CTI next year. I feel like if the only reason I'd stay would be for friends, then I can't stay. Because friends will come and go. If this is God's will, then how can I say no so that I can keep my friends.
Oh, and to address the self-doubt thing...I was sitting in recital hour today, and I realized how amazing all the people taking voice lessons are. I began to feel really really insecure. I felt like I had nothing to offer. I began to wonder if I really should do Music & Worship because there'll probably be a million other better candidates for a job than me. I was extremely intimidated. I don't even want to stand next to a girl that I'm in Women's Chorale with because she is so incredibly talented. I'm afraid she listens to me and wonders how I made the choir. My sister told me that there's always going to be better people, and that I should let them inspire me to be better. But what if I can't get any better? What if I've reached my potential? It still worries me...I guess I'll just have to trust that God has a plan for me...
No comments:
Post a Comment