Questions...

So I thought I knew exactly which way I had to go. Fulltime was for me. That's what I was gonna do. So I told my parents and had them pray for me and stuff. I asked them to really pray because I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. So I talked to them last weekend, and they said they were really worried about that decision. They said that they really weren't comforable with me taking a year off of school. They said that they had been praying about it, and thought it was best if I didn't do it next year. So I took that as God telling me that next year wasn't the best time. So I decided, "ok, no I won't do it next year. Maybe after college."

So I was alright with that decision as long as it still was a possibility that I would do it after college, because I don't want this to be the end of my CTI-ing. So that brings us to last night. I was sitting there on facebook, and I saw that Gretchen had posted something new on her blog. So I decided to read it.

She wrote a prayer for those deciding whether to do fulltime. She prayed that God would open our eyes to see CTI as the most beautiful opportunity that they could be given. And then she put up Philippians 3:8:

"What is more I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ."

Then I started talking to Jordan about it, and he pointed me to Psalm 37:something or other which says:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Needless to say, I have no clue what to do anymore. I'm afraid to talk to my parents because they think I'm closeminded and haven't given college a chance. The truth is that I love college, and it WOULD be really hard for me to leave it for a year. That leaves the complete uncertainty of friends when I get back, of a place in a choir, of a position as a worship apprentice...and that really would be tough to leave. But see, when I read Phil. 3:8, it all just seems so trivial and unimportant. Honestly what could possibly be better for me than serving God for a year. Then when I read Ps. 37, I'm even more convinced because it says that if I delight myself in the Lord, then he will give me the desires of my heart. I want to do CTI. Does that mean that that's God's will for me?

Beside that, I started reading (actually I'm listening to) a book by Francis Chan. He wrote that so often we talk about what God's will is for our lives, and we don't actually just go out and do something. Am I just contemplating this too much? Should I just go for it?

Finally I was reading a few Psalms after 37, and in Ps. 39 it says that "each man's life is but a breath." The question I have here is: How long is my life going to be? Shouldn't I make the most of it by serving God with my whole life? Then again, I can serve God through my schoolwork, and I plan to...but what could be better than serving God through music and telling others about the Good News of Christ? How can I not tell people about my Friend, Father, and Savior? Right now I'm sitting here in a Christian college, and it's a little harder for me to do that. Granted, not everybody here is a Christian, but it's just harder to do that here.

I'm so torn once again. I'm becoming closer to people at college, yet there's still a tug on my heart towards CTI.

So I guess right now I'm just left with many questions...if anybody actually reads this, then I appreciate that you managed to read through this whole long regurgitating of my thoughts...