I am trusting you, Lord Jesus...

...or at least I'm trying.

I'm having difficulty. I'm really distracted right now. At this point I'm going to depend on nobody really reading this, because I'm pretty sure only a couple do...and so I'm just going to talk about it..so hopefully there aren't hundreds of secret readers that'll go around speculating what I'm talking about.

I found this boy..and he's such a great guy. He's a strong Christian guy, treats his family well, respectable guy, musical, good-looking..in my mind he's perfect for me. But I told myself that I would not be focused on boys. I told myself that I would only focus on loving Jesus right now. But this guy is really distracting me..because I think he's perfect. But I don't know if that's God's plan. I know I should just sit back and focus on God, and if this guy is the right person then God'll make him pursue me. But that is the hardest thing in the world to do! But I CANNOT do anything about it..because that'll ruin everything. So I must be patient. I must focus on God. It's a good thing I'm going to camp. Perhaps I'll be distracted and won't have to think about this all the time.

Lord, draw me close to you. Don't let me worry about this. Help me trust in you. I know you have it all under control.

-C

The more I seek you, the more I find you...

I am a sad girl. I don't even want to think about leaving my friends for 3 months. I am so blessed to know them. It makes me sad to think I won't see them for the next 3 months, and probably won't get much time to talk to them. I guess it's just 3 months...but it seems like such a long time. I don't know what I'm going to do.

On top of that, I'm terrified to be a camp counselor. I feel like I'm really bad at dealing with people younger than me. I feel really awkward about it. I don't think I'm that great of a leader. I don't know if I'll get along with the other camp counselors. Quite frankly, I don't even feel like making friends with them, because then I'll get close with them and have to leave them. I'm just so down right now. All this unknown is looming ahead. I want to be able to show my girls the love of Christ. I want them to understand the Gospel. I want to share my excitement for Christ with them. I want God to move in their hearts. I'm so scared that I'll fail.

God, please lift me up. I'm so discouraged. I need you.

-C

You are my strength...

So I have two pretty large things to write about..so hang in there, faithful readers...ha..haha..

Alright first off...I don't think that boys know how much girls think about things that they say sometimes. I am going through this right now. A guy said something to me, and I just really don't know how to take it at all. I'm just so confused about it. I can't really elaborate on what he said, but I'm just so confused. The thing is, I know that I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about it. I get so easily distracted by boys...it's a problem for me. So I keep reading this verse in 1 Corinthians: "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." I should be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. I shouldn't spend time thinking about boys so much. But that is so much easier said than done. But this thing that he said just is boggling my mind. He was so vague..and I just don't know. So confused. I need to put it aside though. Just forget about it.

Second, I think I'm being convicted of something lately. Last night I went to Mel Trotter to see some of my friends from CTI play. I had dressed up a little bit because earlier that day I went out for lunch with my piano teacher. So I got there and they were singing, and I felt so just wrong. I was so aware of how I was dressed. I have too many things. It really bothers me. These people that I was with do not have near as much as me. It's gotten to the point where I feel guilty about it. Especially when I was packing my things to move back home from college. I need to do something. I think I need to give it away. But I want to make sure that I don't waste it or anything. I have to figure out a way. But I just don't think I can handle having all this stuff. When I have a lot of stuff, I fall into the trap of wanting more. It was really hard for me to be at Mel Trotter. I felt like I couldn't truly worship God the way I was. With my nice clothes on. I felt like such a hypocrite. God calls us to clothe the poor, feed the hungry, take care of the needy. And there I stood with my Fossil purse. Ugh. It just really bothers me. I don't exactly know what I'm going to do, but I need to do something.