When you walk through the river, I will be with you...

I think last semester was a desert for me. It was difficult for me. I had just come off of an amazing experience, only to meet a whole bunch of people who didn't really care to know, which isn't a bad thing, it's just the facts. Then I had the challenge of finding friends. I wanted friends that were as quality as the people I met at CTI, people that would challenge me in my walk with Christ. Friends whom I could really admire and learn from. Friends I could depend on, and ones that I could really laugh with. On top of that, I was wondering what to do about Fulltime CTI and what to do about my major. Not to mention, trying to manage schoolwork while still trying to be a servant and stay close to my Savior. I'd say it was a kinda hard semester for me. Lots of tears at night. Or at least, more than I'd like.

But then there was interim. My professor encouraged me to dream big, challenged me to think of big ideas and go for them. He wanted us to grow close to each other in the class. I enjoyed that class so much.

Now here we are. Second semester. Somehow I found friends that I love so much! I laugh so much with them, I admire them and learn so much from them. I couldn't really ask for much more in a group of friends that what I've got right now. I also know what my major is going to be, or at least basically...there are still some kinks to work out. I know that Fulltime is not for me quite yet, although I still really hope to do it in the future. And I keep realizing how good God is to me. The theme recently for my days have been "you are so good to me" coming from a song by Enter the Worship Circle. (Which conveniently just started playing on my itunes right now). It's so true. God is good. All the time.

-C

You see my need and you provide...

My God is so great. Somehow, God always knows exactly what I need and when. He brings people into my life at the right time, events at the right time, old friends return exactly when I need them. He's like the greatest conductor.

I'm learning so much right now...a little about sin and guilt. I've been feeling guilty about a sin for a while now. Every single time I fall back into the sin, I just feel so wretched and awful about it. I think I've been forgetting that God has always loved me, loves me now, and will love me forever. By God's grace, I'm already forgiven of my sins. I think this guilt might be like "worldly sorrow". In 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 it says this:
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."

I think that I've been feeling this worldly sorrow that "brings death". I don't know exactly what Paul means by this, but I think maybe it could mean that worldly sorrow brings you that guilt that makes you feel so small and unworthy of anything. It blocks out the hope, that is the love from Christ. I'm so thankful that God has shown me that.

-C

When I get older I will be stronger...

I feel like I'm kinda just blowing like the wind right now. I'm not really clear as to what God has planned for me. I suppose I'm never clear on that...and I guess that's ok. But I see all these super awesome opportunities pass me by, and I wonder, "what has God got planned for me this summer?" Why can't I go to Mozambique? Why can't I be leading worship in the Bahamas? Why am I not teaching English in Indonesia or Hong Kong? Why are you choosing me to spend the summer with squealing junior high girls?

There must be a reason I chose this. I am trying really hard to have a positive attitude about all of this. I know I cannot constantly live in my past experience of CTI. I guess it just defined me so much and now I don't exactly know what to do with it. I can't just let it go, because I learned so much through it. But am I holding onto it too much?

Where's God going to send me when I grow up? Will I go to another country like I'd really like to do? Or is God going to keep me in Grand Rapids or Lansing?

Lately I've been wondering: Am I really depending on God for everything? I constantly plan everything out for my life. I plan it knowing that it's subject to change, but am I really alright with WHATEVER God has planned for me? A friend pointed out to me that everything I have...everything...could be taken away from me. Would I really be ok with having nothing? A different perspective...would I be ok with having everything? Would I be ok with living a content life in a suburban house somewhere. A feeling inside screams that I wouldn't be ok with that. But could that be God's plan? I don't know.

God has a plan for me this summer. I know it's going to be "a growing experience". I keep throwing that phrase around. People ask me if I'm excited. I have a hard time answering that. Because I guess I'm not, exactly. I'd rather be doing something else. But somehow I know some good will come of this.

Perhaps I will have some influence on my campers. Perhaps I will be able to shape them in some way. Only with God's help.

-C

You bring peace to the restless...

Tonight I was thinking about my three job options. I'm really stuck. So I attempted talking to different friends to see if they had any thoughts/encouragement for me. I don't know, I didn't really get far with that...so I'm sitting here listening to some Hillsong..wishing God would just put a sign in front of me that tells me what to do.

I'm afraid to be a camp counselor. I don't know if I could handle it. In fact, I don't even think I'm that great of a leader. My sister is the best leader...she knows exactly how to handle every situation. I just fall apart. Some friends of mine are just great leaders...it comes naturally to them. I look at them and wonder about what awesome things God has planned for them. But me, I know God has some great plans for me...I just don't know how good I am at this whole leadership thing. I feel like kids are just going to take advantage of me, or not like me. I'm just basically not confident at this point.

Lord, what do you want me to do? I just want to know...