I think it's all been made clear. At the end of the summer I began to pray about what I should do with my life, in the here and now, in the near future, and in the long term. I've really been struggling with it. Should I be a choir director, or should I be a worship leader? Which is what I want and which is what God wants for me, and do they match up? How can I serve around here, being at college? What should I do next summer? Should I do fulltime next year? All these questions I've just been wondering about constantly. I was so worried about it for like the first month after cti. and then, I decided I didn't need to know. Eventually, if I just stayed close with God and sought after His will, not my own, that he would let me know where I should go. I decided to stop worrying about it.
Today's sermon at church was about Paul and his journeys. The main theme of the message was that Paul didn't "play it safe". He went out of his comfort zone. He did things that weren't exactly convenient at the time for him. The convenience thing really got me. Right now, it would be convenient for me to just stay at school and do all that whole jazz right in a row like what's normal for most people. But then he read Acts 20:24:
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given to me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."
I want that to be my life. It's all about that really. In Ephesians it says that we were created to do good works that God prepared in advance for us to do. My life is about doing what God set out for me. It's all that I can do to thank Him for what He's done for me. He is the composer and director of my life. I don't want to let CTI pass me by just because it's not convenient for me to do. I'm pretty sure that's what God's calling me towards, and I don't want to say no.
But that doesn't answer my question about how I can be serving now. I really think I want to see if I can in some way help out with the high school youth group at Aida. My sister's helping, so I could easily get a ride there, and I would just really like to lead some kids along you know? In a sermon I heard at my church at home right before I left for college, the pastor said that we all need mentors and we need to be mentees. We need somebody who can help us along, and we need to help others along in their walk. I think this is a way that I can help others along in their walk. I think I'd really enjoy it, and it's something that I can do to serve at the church instead of just going there every Sunday. So, I'm going to email the guy today.
I think that's enough of me babbling. I've got too much homework to do.
-C
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Walking alone in the dark...
Today, I decided, was a good day. See this is kind of surprising, because every Mon, Wed, and Fri are all really busy days for me. I've got a bunch of classes in a row and don't really have time for lunch. However, today was different. I had no homework for Theology or English, and I got out of choir early, so I had time to eat lunch before German. But that's not the only reason today was good.
I signed up for practice times for piano (7 hours, and that's only less than half of what I have to practice per week), and so after dinner I headed over to a practice room. It was in the basement of this random building, and it was a really big room with a rather nice upright piano. I had an hour of complete silence and alone-ness to practice the piano. It was glorious! So wonderful! I haven't practiced in complete solitude in a very long time.
And so I was walking alone in the dark back to my dorm, and I just looked up to the sky and knew God was great. Just a little moment of "wow, God, you really are just so wonderful!" I love those little times when you realize how great He is and how much you love Him!
-C
I signed up for practice times for piano (7 hours, and that's only less than half of what I have to practice per week), and so after dinner I headed over to a practice room. It was in the basement of this random building, and it was a really big room with a rather nice upright piano. I had an hour of complete silence and alone-ness to practice the piano. It was glorious! So wonderful! I haven't practiced in complete solitude in a very long time.
And so I was walking alone in the dark back to my dorm, and I just looked up to the sky and knew God was great. Just a little moment of "wow, God, you really are just so wonderful!" I love those little times when you realize how great He is and how much you love Him!
-C
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Revelation and self-doubt
I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. Where am I going to be next year? What am I going to do with my life? Will I make the wrong decision? Where is God leading me? All these questions have been lingering around in my head these past few days and weeks.
The other day, I was at a chapel that Brandon Haan spoke for, and he spoke about his summer. He made an important point that I need to remember. We don't have to be away across the country or overseas to do God's work. We need to find "our Calcutta's" (as Mother Teresa is quoted in The Irresistable Revolution) here. That got me thinking. I have to stop living in the past and the future. I spend so much of my time thinking about how much I miss this summer, and almost as much time thinking about whether I should do fulltime for CTI. But where does that leave me now? I haven't been living for each day. I have to start finding ways to serve God here. God brought me here for a reason. So I can't waste my time here by thinking about the past and future.
I was sitting in my Theology class, and we were talking about revelation. How God speaks to us. He gave us 11 ways of seeing if a revelation is from God. Then he told the class about a revelation that he had about which graduate school he should go to. So I began to pray for a revelation about where I should go with my life.
That brings us to today. I woke up, and couldn't open my one eye because it was crusty and teary. Ugh..pink eye! I roll out of bed and get ready. I didn't do anything with my hair or makeup because quite frankly I didn't care. I was tired and had pink eye. I trudged off to class with a handful of cereal and some apple juice. I sat in my Music class looking intently at my computer so that nobody would notice my nasty eye. As the class went on we started discussing how we choose whether songs are appropriate or not for a church service. Then Dr. Pohlman came and talked to us about being on the committee for making a new hymnal. He told us how they decide what songs to put in, and what some of the problems in our music today are. He also talked about the Music & Worship major here at Calvin. After the class I was convinced that I needed to switch my major. Before class I wasn't planning on going to chapel because...well...I had pink eye and was tired. But after class, I was excited for the quiet reflective chapel. I needed to quietly go before God to know if this is what I should do. I am pretty convinced that I should. Along with that, I'm pretty sure I want to do fulltime CTI next year. I feel like if the only reason I'd stay would be for friends, then I can't stay. Because friends will come and go. If this is God's will, then how can I say no so that I can keep my friends.
Oh, and to address the self-doubt thing...I was sitting in recital hour today, and I realized how amazing all the people taking voice lessons are. I began to feel really really insecure. I felt like I had nothing to offer. I began to wonder if I really should do Music & Worship because there'll probably be a million other better candidates for a job than me. I was extremely intimidated. I don't even want to stand next to a girl that I'm in Women's Chorale with because she is so incredibly talented. I'm afraid she listens to me and wonders how I made the choir. My sister told me that there's always going to be better people, and that I should let them inspire me to be better. But what if I can't get any better? What if I've reached my potential? It still worries me...I guess I'll just have to trust that God has a plan for me...
The other day, I was at a chapel that Brandon Haan spoke for, and he spoke about his summer. He made an important point that I need to remember. We don't have to be away across the country or overseas to do God's work. We need to find "our Calcutta's" (as Mother Teresa is quoted in The Irresistable Revolution) here. That got me thinking. I have to stop living in the past and the future. I spend so much of my time thinking about how much I miss this summer, and almost as much time thinking about whether I should do fulltime for CTI. But where does that leave me now? I haven't been living for each day. I have to start finding ways to serve God here. God brought me here for a reason. So I can't waste my time here by thinking about the past and future.
I was sitting in my Theology class, and we were talking about revelation. How God speaks to us. He gave us 11 ways of seeing if a revelation is from God. Then he told the class about a revelation that he had about which graduate school he should go to. So I began to pray for a revelation about where I should go with my life.
That brings us to today. I woke up, and couldn't open my one eye because it was crusty and teary. Ugh..pink eye! I roll out of bed and get ready. I didn't do anything with my hair or makeup because quite frankly I didn't care. I was tired and had pink eye. I trudged off to class with a handful of cereal and some apple juice. I sat in my Music class looking intently at my computer so that nobody would notice my nasty eye. As the class went on we started discussing how we choose whether songs are appropriate or not for a church service. Then Dr. Pohlman came and talked to us about being on the committee for making a new hymnal. He told us how they decide what songs to put in, and what some of the problems in our music today are. He also talked about the Music & Worship major here at Calvin. After the class I was convinced that I needed to switch my major. Before class I wasn't planning on going to chapel because...well...I had pink eye and was tired. But after class, I was excited for the quiet reflective chapel. I needed to quietly go before God to know if this is what I should do. I am pretty convinced that I should. Along with that, I'm pretty sure I want to do fulltime CTI next year. I feel like if the only reason I'd stay would be for friends, then I can't stay. Because friends will come and go. If this is God's will, then how can I say no so that I can keep my friends.
Oh, and to address the self-doubt thing...I was sitting in recital hour today, and I realized how amazing all the people taking voice lessons are. I began to feel really really insecure. I felt like I had nothing to offer. I began to wonder if I really should do Music & Worship because there'll probably be a million other better candidates for a job than me. I was extremely intimidated. I don't even want to stand next to a girl that I'm in Women's Chorale with because she is so incredibly talented. I'm afraid she listens to me and wonders how I made the choir. My sister told me that there's always going to be better people, and that I should let them inspire me to be better. But what if I can't get any better? What if I've reached my potential? It still worries me...I guess I'll just have to trust that God has a plan for me...
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I wish I could go back...
It's been...almost a month since CTI. I've started college, and started my classes and started making new friends. I've rushed around going to classes, studying, hanging out with friends...and now I've finally sat alone to think. But when I think too long, then I cry. Because I just want to go back.
I miss the days when I started off my day wanting to be God's servant. Where I wanted to live out God's love for me so passionately that everybody knew that it was there. When I was playing a concert and realized that it really wasn't about the music, that it was about God using me to give somebody a chance at salvation. My life seemed so meaningful then.
When I was at church the Sunday before I left for college, I was comforted. I really thought that it was in God's plan for me to go to college. He has a plan for me here. So I left for college with that comfort and knowledge.
But now that I've been here. My life just doesn't seem so meaningful anymore. I wake up wanting to be God's servant, but I don't know how. I wake up wanting to live passionately for God, but then homework, classes, worries about friends all squelch up that desire.
But what I'm really thankful for is the friends that I made that I can now talk to about these things that I go through.
I miss the days when I started off my day wanting to be God's servant. Where I wanted to live out God's love for me so passionately that everybody knew that it was there. When I was playing a concert and realized that it really wasn't about the music, that it was about God using me to give somebody a chance at salvation. My life seemed so meaningful then.
When I was at church the Sunday before I left for college, I was comforted. I really thought that it was in God's plan for me to go to college. He has a plan for me here. So I left for college with that comfort and knowledge.
But now that I've been here. My life just doesn't seem so meaningful anymore. I wake up wanting to be God's servant, but I don't know how. I wake up wanting to live passionately for God, but then homework, classes, worries about friends all squelch up that desire.
But what I'm really thankful for is the friends that I made that I can now talk to about these things that I go through.
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