Do you ever feel like you've failed? Failed at being patient and kind. Sigh. I feel that way. This weekend I've just been so annoyed with myself. I keep getting annoyed at pointless things, and frustrated over nothing at all. I feel sad because I've kind of forgotten to put God first this weekend. I feel like I ditched Him. And I feel like I've also been just a huge jerk. I just haven't been very nice this weekend.
I just feel very discouraged. I wish I could always be passionate about God. I wish I could REALLY truly genuinely live it out. Clearly. No questions asked. Without fear, I could live the life I want to live. But it's so hard.
"I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the one who made the earth and the heavens. I believe you are more than what my eyes can see. I believe these hills are filled with an angel army."
I need to believe that, and live with that in mind.
God, I'm so discouraged right now. I'm sorry for the way I've treated people this weekend. I'm sorry for the way I treated you this weekend. Forgive me.
-C
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Learning Contentment...
I sit here on my futon, and I think. I think about Burkina Faso, India, Thailand, Guatemala and South Africa. I think about Grand Rapids and Chicago. I wonder what God has planned for me. I see all these different opportunities, and I have no idea which to choose. I pray for opened doors, that clarify which path to take. I pray for that voice telling me which way to go.
Tonight I got an email from a lady at Wycliffe. She said that she found an internship for somebody interested in ethnomusicology. The internship is for one female during the month of January. To Burkina Faso. It calls for somebody willing to be humble, somebody willing to embrace African food, and somebody has some musical training. Well, that sounds really up my alley. An ethnomusicologist goes to a place and studies their culture and the music in that culture. Then he/she gathers a group of musicians that can write music for the church or for schools using the music of their culture. I don't know, perhaps this is a door that God is opening for me.
Tonight, at Bible study we talked about contentment. We talked about being trusting God with our money. Could it be that God is trying to tell me that I need to trust him for finances? My parents often wonder how I can pay for these mission trips. Could it be that God already has people gathered that are willing to support me in this mission work?
I also have been reading a lot about an organization called Adventures in Missions. I've been reading about 2 month long mission trips over the summer to different places like Thailand, India and Guatemala. I could work with an organization that helps women that have by the grace of God gotten out of prostitution. I could help teach them English. Or I could play with orphan children. When I read stories about women in India, or children in Guatemala or Thailand, my heart just leaps out to them. I want to go and be there for them. I want to help them. I want to grow closer to Christ by helping "the least of these".
But perhaps God's plans for me are here in Grand Rapids. Perhaps I need to be here for interim so that I can serve people in the GRPS music program. Maybe God is calling me to teach in urban schools. Or perhaps I should just take classes at home and volunteer at a place called Roseland Christian Ministries in Chicago.
I don't know what God's plans are. I pray he will reveal them to me. But I want to be content with whatever those plans are. I'm excited to embark on this journey. I don't know where it will lead me, but I pray it will bring me closer to Christ.
-C
Tonight I got an email from a lady at Wycliffe. She said that she found an internship for somebody interested in ethnomusicology. The internship is for one female during the month of January. To Burkina Faso. It calls for somebody willing to be humble, somebody willing to embrace African food, and somebody has some musical training. Well, that sounds really up my alley. An ethnomusicologist goes to a place and studies their culture and the music in that culture. Then he/she gathers a group of musicians that can write music for the church or for schools using the music of their culture. I don't know, perhaps this is a door that God is opening for me.
Tonight, at Bible study we talked about contentment. We talked about being trusting God with our money. Could it be that God is trying to tell me that I need to trust him for finances? My parents often wonder how I can pay for these mission trips. Could it be that God already has people gathered that are willing to support me in this mission work?
I also have been reading a lot about an organization called Adventures in Missions. I've been reading about 2 month long mission trips over the summer to different places like Thailand, India and Guatemala. I could work with an organization that helps women that have by the grace of God gotten out of prostitution. I could help teach them English. Or I could play with orphan children. When I read stories about women in India, or children in Guatemala or Thailand, my heart just leaps out to them. I want to go and be there for them. I want to help them. I want to grow closer to Christ by helping "the least of these".
But perhaps God's plans for me are here in Grand Rapids. Perhaps I need to be here for interim so that I can serve people in the GRPS music program. Maybe God is calling me to teach in urban schools. Or perhaps I should just take classes at home and volunteer at a place called Roseland Christian Ministries in Chicago.
I don't know what God's plans are. I pray he will reveal them to me. But I want to be content with whatever those plans are. I'm excited to embark on this journey. I don't know where it will lead me, but I pray it will bring me closer to Christ.
-C
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This life is Yours...
Well, it's been quite a challenging few days. From breaking down into tears on Monday to snapping at my sister today. It's been hard. I've been anxious. Worried. Freaking out. It hasn't been fun. My shoulders have been so tight for so long. On Monday, I was so overwhelmed that I just started crying at the end of the day. I didn't see how any of it could possible work out. I thought I failed my Music History test, I thought my presentation would fail, and I thought that nobody from my dorm would show up to the event I planned. Basically I wasn't trusting God at all. I was trying to do it myself, which is what I do way too often.
So on Monday night, I was talking to my boyfriend, and he was encouraging me to just stop worrying and give it to God. And it started to click. I hadn't been trusting. I care way too much about what people think. I feel like I need to do everything by myself, and do it perfectly. I am learning that I need to let go.
So that night after I got off the phone, I was crying and I opened up my Bible. What did I open to? Isaiah 30:19 where it says: O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. At that moment I opened a text message from my friend Melissa that said: the Lord answers those who cry for help. That was so clearly God speaking to me. Then I read Psalm 91, which was such a comfort to me.
Yesterday morning in chapel a speaker spoke over Philippians 4:4-7. Later in the day I received a text from my boyfriend telling me to read Philippians 4:4-7. If that's not clear enough, in choir we performed a song that used lyrics from Philippians 4:4-7. Now if that's not a bright shining neon sign, then keep listening. Later that night at the scholarship dinner, a man was speaking, and he mentioned a verse. He read this verse. What passage was it? Philippians 4:4-7. Now, it is clearly a bright billboard, but even better, in Bible study that night, we were reading Philippians 4:4-7. Incredible how God works. He was crying out to me to just talk to him! To just let HIM take care of me! Just to ask for help!
Today God has blessed me so much! He gave me an A on my Music History test, our presentation went well, and people showed up to the event I planned. Wow. It was so cool. When we went to serve this dinner called the Love Feast, I just was able to see what it really means to live like Jesus. Serving low-income families each week. These people that lead these dinners are so selfless. They are truly living what it means to be a follower of Christ. We worshiped after dinner. It was so great. I was just so happy God got me through this day.
Praise God.
-C
So on Monday night, I was talking to my boyfriend, and he was encouraging me to just stop worrying and give it to God. And it started to click. I hadn't been trusting. I care way too much about what people think. I feel like I need to do everything by myself, and do it perfectly. I am learning that I need to let go.
So that night after I got off the phone, I was crying and I opened up my Bible. What did I open to? Isaiah 30:19 where it says: O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. At that moment I opened a text message from my friend Melissa that said: the Lord answers those who cry for help. That was so clearly God speaking to me. Then I read Psalm 91, which was such a comfort to me.
Yesterday morning in chapel a speaker spoke over Philippians 4:4-7. Later in the day I received a text from my boyfriend telling me to read Philippians 4:4-7. If that's not clear enough, in choir we performed a song that used lyrics from Philippians 4:4-7. Now if that's not a bright shining neon sign, then keep listening. Later that night at the scholarship dinner, a man was speaking, and he mentioned a verse. He read this verse. What passage was it? Philippians 4:4-7. Now, it is clearly a bright billboard, but even better, in Bible study that night, we were reading Philippians 4:4-7. Incredible how God works. He was crying out to me to just talk to him! To just let HIM take care of me! Just to ask for help!
Today God has blessed me so much! He gave me an A on my Music History test, our presentation went well, and people showed up to the event I planned. Wow. It was so cool. When we went to serve this dinner called the Love Feast, I just was able to see what it really means to live like Jesus. Serving low-income families each week. These people that lead these dinners are so selfless. They are truly living what it means to be a follower of Christ. We worshiped after dinner. It was so great. I was just so happy God got me through this day.
Praise God.
-C
Monday, November 1, 2010
Be My Honeypie...
So a lot has happened. I want to strive everyday to be more like Jesus, but I fail. But I'm learning to enjoy each day. I can't get freaked out about what's to come. It's very easy to do, but I can't do that. I must look only to the day I am in. And then I can be thankful for it. I don't get overwhelmed.
Then I can be thankful for having the cutest boyfriend ever, for crisp air, for a calming Weepies concert. I can be thankful for funny friends, and potato chips. I like to go through each day being thankful, not freaking out about all the things I have to do. And although I didn't start my German homework till midnight tonight, and I'm still not finished and I'm going to finish tomorrow before class, I'm not worried. I need to go to sleep, so that's what I'm going to do.
"Be my honeypie. Never say goodbye. If you don't love me I will die. Be my honeypie."
Man those Weepies. They know how to write a song.
Peace. Enjoy the day God has made.
-C
Then I can be thankful for having the cutest boyfriend ever, for crisp air, for a calming Weepies concert. I can be thankful for funny friends, and potato chips. I like to go through each day being thankful, not freaking out about all the things I have to do. And although I didn't start my German homework till midnight tonight, and I'm still not finished and I'm going to finish tomorrow before class, I'm not worried. I need to go to sleep, so that's what I'm going to do.
"Be my honeypie. Never say goodbye. If you don't love me I will die. Be my honeypie."
Man those Weepies. They know how to write a song.
Peace. Enjoy the day God has made.
-C
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