Rid me of myself, I belong to you...

I realized today that I have been living for myself too much. I want to serve God everyday, but I get caught up in the busyness of life and forget to spend time with God and serve him. I want Christ to be more in my life, and me to be less...but it's so hard to actually put that into practice. Tonight I was singing at youth group and realized that. It's so dumb that school can distract me so much.

I don't exactly know what it will be like for me if God rids me of myself. I just know that it'll be good, because He is good, and I am a sinner, and I want others to see Him in my life and not me.

I just wish it were as easy as it seems like it should be.

Just ok is not enough, help me fight through the nothingness of life...

I've come to a final decision...and this time I'm serious. I'm waiting to do CTI until after college. I'm for sure not doing it next year. I found out that there are two other girls that are finalizing fulltime stuff for next year for keys already now, so I guess that means that that's not God's plan for me for next year. I'm thankful. I've been praying so hard that God would just show me which way to go, and he has. So although I'm a little bit sad that I'll have to wait four whole years to do it again, I know that I'm doing the right thing. I'm going to go to school next year joyfully, because I can serve my God here too. I have a small group of girls too, and I'm glad that this means I'll be staying with them for the rest of their time in high school.

The thing is though, I don't want school to be just me going through the motions. I pray that I can go through it always serving God. I don't want to lose my passion.

Sidenote...do you think I could learn spanish just from reading the Bible in spanish? I don't know, but it sounds like a challenge I might try!

Till I Only Dwell in Thee...

"If my heart has one ambition, if my soul won't go to seek, this my solitary vision, till I only dwell in thee, that I only dwell in thee."

Yesterday night was a hard night for me. I talked to Taco for the first time in a very long time. It was so nice to talk to him. But as I was falling asleep last night listening to my iPod, a certain song came on...You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham. I just started missing CTI so much; it was as if I had just gotten broken up with or something. So I texted Maddy and she told me that she felt the same way sometimes. I don't really understand it, but like sometimes I feel like I have an emptiness in me or something. I have a couple thouhts about this...first, what if it's God laying on my heart the strong desire to do fulltime? What if this is his way of telling me to do it next year? Second, if I do fulltime, am I going to feel this way all over again after it's over? Will it be even worse?

Most of me really would rather not do fulltime next year. I've got all these plans that have really seemed to work out well in my head. In Proverbs it says that "we can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." It also says "commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed." However it also says "There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death."

So what do I make of all this? I need to trust that God will lead me on the right path. I trust he has a plan for me, and that he can fill the sadness I feel sometimes, and that he will lead me where I need to go...to school next year, or whatever else he has in mind for me. and I will follow.

-C

Faithful...

So first, I'm very tempted to buy the Brooke Fraser cd right now...

So I just finished the book Redeeming Love. It was a great book! It was one of those books you finish in about a day. It took me a little less than 3 days to finish it. I would've finished it sooner if I didn't have to actually do things during the day. But anyway, the book is like a fictional retelling of Hosea. It really got me thinking...with how great God is, it's amazing that he stays around and waits for us even we run away from him multiple times. We're such sinners, and he is perfection. It's like the relationship in the book. The man that's strong in the Lord stays faithful to his bride, a prostitute. It's quite amazing. I have so much to be thankful each day, just that God continually is faithful to me even when I'm not faithful to him.

P.S. I bought the Brooke Fraser cd just now. I'm a sucker...