I'm generally in a good mood. A good attitude is something I'd like to say that I'm good at. I'm pretty good at managing stress and not getting overwhelmed. However, today is just not a good day. I've been dreading my piano lesson because I'm supposed to have a song memorized by today, and well, it's not. And another song that she gave me, I'm still awful at it. I managed to memorize another song that she gave me a little bit, but still, I'm very worried. I wish I had more drive to practice. I need to listen to Mike Byun play like every day, and then maybe I'll be inspired to practice more. It's just hard to find time, especially for two different instruments, and I just wish I only had one. I can't wait for next semester.
It's times like these when I realize that I'd be nowhere without Jesus by my side. I can't make it through any day (especially ones like today) without him.
I just need encouragement. I wish I could just play for fun...but I need to practice...I hate this stupid guilt that has to hang over my head each day. I need to get better at managing practice time.
-C
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I think I'm beginning to see clearly...
Here's what I think...first off, I apologize that everything I write about is CTI, but right now that's just what's been bothering me.
Ok, so here's what I think. I think I should wait till after college to do FT. I don't necessarily want to wait that long, but I think it's probably the best option. Right now, I'm hoping to major in Music in Worship, and minor in Missions/International development. I want to hopefully take a spanish class or two over the summer and then take spanish next year. Because I'd REALLY like to go on an interim to Honduras for international development and spanish classes. But I just can't get CTI off the brain, and I really think I will for sure do it the year after I graduate. Like that's pretty much positive, unless God decides he has other plans for me.
So I think that's my final decision. I want to do CTI again as soon as possible. Like, I would absolutely LOVE to do it next year, but I think it'd be a smarter choice to wait.
Anyway, so there you go. That's the scoop.
-C
Ok, so here's what I think. I think I should wait till after college to do FT. I don't necessarily want to wait that long, but I think it's probably the best option. Right now, I'm hoping to major in Music in Worship, and minor in Missions/International development. I want to hopefully take a spanish class or two over the summer and then take spanish next year. Because I'd REALLY like to go on an interim to Honduras for international development and spanish classes. But I just can't get CTI off the brain, and I really think I will for sure do it the year after I graduate. Like that's pretty much positive, unless God decides he has other plans for me.
So I think that's my final decision. I want to do CTI again as soon as possible. Like, I would absolutely LOVE to do it next year, but I think it'd be a smarter choice to wait.
Anyway, so there you go. That's the scoop.
-C
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Short thought..
What if I need to wait until I stop wanting to do fulltime so badly...maybe I need to wait until I can put it off to the side, and then if God's calling me to it, then I really will be able to know that it's not my own wants, but what he wants for me.
But in the same way, what if God is placing this desire on my heart because it's in his plan for me to do it.
But in the same way, what if God is placing this desire on my heart because it's in his plan for me to do it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Questions...
So I thought I knew exactly which way I had to go. Fulltime was for me. That's what I was gonna do. So I told my parents and had them pray for me and stuff. I asked them to really pray because I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. So I talked to them last weekend, and they said they were really worried about that decision. They said that they really weren't comforable with me taking a year off of school. They said that they had been praying about it, and thought it was best if I didn't do it next year. So I took that as God telling me that next year wasn't the best time. So I decided, "ok, no I won't do it next year. Maybe after college."
So I was alright with that decision as long as it still was a possibility that I would do it after college, because I don't want this to be the end of my CTI-ing. So that brings us to last night. I was sitting there on facebook, and I saw that Gretchen had posted something new on her blog. So I decided to read it.
She wrote a prayer for those deciding whether to do fulltime. She prayed that God would open our eyes to see CTI as the most beautiful opportunity that they could be given. And then she put up Philippians 3:8:
"What is more I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ."
Then I started talking to Jordan about it, and he pointed me to Psalm 37:something or other which says:
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Needless to say, I have no clue what to do anymore. I'm afraid to talk to my parents because they think I'm closeminded and haven't given college a chance. The truth is that I love college, and it WOULD be really hard for me to leave it for a year. That leaves the complete uncertainty of friends when I get back, of a place in a choir, of a position as a worship apprentice...and that really would be tough to leave. But see, when I read Phil. 3:8, it all just seems so trivial and unimportant. Honestly what could possibly be better for me than serving God for a year. Then when I read Ps. 37, I'm even more convinced because it says that if I delight myself in the Lord, then he will give me the desires of my heart. I want to do CTI. Does that mean that that's God's will for me?
Beside that, I started reading (actually I'm listening to) a book by Francis Chan. He wrote that so often we talk about what God's will is for our lives, and we don't actually just go out and do something. Am I just contemplating this too much? Should I just go for it?
Finally I was reading a few Psalms after 37, and in Ps. 39 it says that "each man's life is but a breath." The question I have here is: How long is my life going to be? Shouldn't I make the most of it by serving God with my whole life? Then again, I can serve God through my schoolwork, and I plan to...but what could be better than serving God through music and telling others about the Good News of Christ? How can I not tell people about my Friend, Father, and Savior? Right now I'm sitting here in a Christian college, and it's a little harder for me to do that. Granted, not everybody here is a Christian, but it's just harder to do that here.
I'm so torn once again. I'm becoming closer to people at college, yet there's still a tug on my heart towards CTI.
So I guess right now I'm just left with many questions...if anybody actually reads this, then I appreciate that you managed to read through this whole long regurgitating of my thoughts...
So I was alright with that decision as long as it still was a possibility that I would do it after college, because I don't want this to be the end of my CTI-ing. So that brings us to last night. I was sitting there on facebook, and I saw that Gretchen had posted something new on her blog. So I decided to read it.
She wrote a prayer for those deciding whether to do fulltime. She prayed that God would open our eyes to see CTI as the most beautiful opportunity that they could be given. And then she put up Philippians 3:8:
"What is more I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ."
Then I started talking to Jordan about it, and he pointed me to Psalm 37:something or other which says:
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Needless to say, I have no clue what to do anymore. I'm afraid to talk to my parents because they think I'm closeminded and haven't given college a chance. The truth is that I love college, and it WOULD be really hard for me to leave it for a year. That leaves the complete uncertainty of friends when I get back, of a place in a choir, of a position as a worship apprentice...and that really would be tough to leave. But see, when I read Phil. 3:8, it all just seems so trivial and unimportant. Honestly what could possibly be better for me than serving God for a year. Then when I read Ps. 37, I'm even more convinced because it says that if I delight myself in the Lord, then he will give me the desires of my heart. I want to do CTI. Does that mean that that's God's will for me?
Beside that, I started reading (actually I'm listening to) a book by Francis Chan. He wrote that so often we talk about what God's will is for our lives, and we don't actually just go out and do something. Am I just contemplating this too much? Should I just go for it?
Finally I was reading a few Psalms after 37, and in Ps. 39 it says that "each man's life is but a breath." The question I have here is: How long is my life going to be? Shouldn't I make the most of it by serving God with my whole life? Then again, I can serve God through my schoolwork, and I plan to...but what could be better than serving God through music and telling others about the Good News of Christ? How can I not tell people about my Friend, Father, and Savior? Right now I'm sitting here in a Christian college, and it's a little harder for me to do that. Granted, not everybody here is a Christian, but it's just harder to do that here.
I'm so torn once again. I'm becoming closer to people at college, yet there's still a tug on my heart towards CTI.
So I guess right now I'm just left with many questions...if anybody actually reads this, then I appreciate that you managed to read through this whole long regurgitating of my thoughts...
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