"I just wanna make you smile Papa"

Sigh...Summer. Summer is a time where the weather is beautiful, there is no school, I have a lot more time on my hands. But this summer is also time away from all of my support. I am away from almost all of my friends, away from my church, away from Rossman house, away from my house church, away from Intersection, away from it all! I left Calvin passionate to be a light to my family, to be a light to the people closest to me. But it's only a week in, and all that passion is quickly melting away. Something needs to change in me.

It's so hard to be close to God when the television is always on...or other electronic equipment for that matter. At school, I never turned on the TV. Now, before I spend time with the One I love the most, I find myself turning on the TV, and then going on the internet, and then reading a book, and then texting somebody, and then FINALLY spending a few minutes with Him. What is wrong with me? I'm just so frustrated with myself, because I want to be growing closer to God, but my actions are completely contrary.

Now when I do spend time with God, I have a hard time listening...I get distracted. I get tired. Everything is coming in the way. It's so frustrating. To think that just a few weeks ago, light was pouring out of me. Excitement for the Gospel and our God was just pouring out of me. I was so filled with joy and excitement that I could barely not talk about it! Now all I do is watch tennis and other TV and then go on facebook, and then try and read a few chapters of Isaiah and say a quick prayer before I fall asleep. Something has to change now. I cannot go through the summer like this.

Lord help me.

-C

Be still my soul...

This week has been so hard. This day...has been near impossible. My heart is so heavy. The youth pastor of my church and his baby boy passed away in a house fire this past weekend. And another friend's father just passed away this weekend as well. I just feel so much for my friend and his family and also my youth pastor Derek's wife and two girls. This morning I went to the funeral of Derek and his son Dylan. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen. Everybody was praising God knowing that through these hard times, he is here, he is stronger, he is strength in our weakness. So many beautiful stories of Derek's passionate faith. It was quite something.

When Rod spoke, I had this strange feeling. He preached on the story of Elisha raising a woman's son from the dead. When he was preaching, I just was so sure that if I prayed right there, that Derek and/or his son would be raised from the dead. I've never been so sure of God's power. I was sure that he could do it. When I whispered the prayer to myself, I was really expecting Derek to walk down the aisle and say "Alright Rod, you don't have to speak anymore.." I heard a baby's cry...I was sure it was Dylan. And I thought that Jesus was going to come right in that instant. But, he didn't. And it wasn't Dylan's cry.

I got back from the funeral, ate lunch, and came back to my room and checked my facebook. That's when I found out my friend's father had passed away. Also a pastor. I just couldn't believe it. At that point I began to cry. I've pretty much cried all night since.

I can't even explain why I'm so sad. I didn't know my friend's dad; I didn't know my youth pastor that well, or his son. But my heart is just so heavy for Charity and Jojo and Ella and Jordan and Jordan's family. I have so much work to do but I have no motivation to do it.

God give me strength. Help me trust in you. I'm so sad right now.

-C

Let the Redeemed of the Lord rise up

A strong man died Thursday night. A man who influenced so many young people. He wasn't afraid to preach the Gospel with boldness. He lived out the Gospel through his actions. He wasn't afraid to humble himself in front of a group of college students and share his weaknesses. He knew that through his weaknesses, God made him strong. This man was the youth pastor at my church. He and his baby boy died Thursday in a house fire. What a tragedy.

It leaves me wondering what I am supposed to be doing now. How do I know how much time I have here on this earth? What do I want to be doing with that time? How do I know when the last time I talk to somebody will be? Have I left anything unsaid? If I were to die soon, would I have been able to die saying that my task is complete? What can I do right now to further the Kingdom of God? So many questions run through my brain...

So often my life is characterized by my own selfishness. Me planning what classes I'm going to take, where I'm going to live, what I'll do after college, who I'll marry, etc. Me worrying about homework coming up or performances. But how much of my life is spent praying to my Love, my Lord, my Savior? How much of my life is spent caring for those who are hurting? How much of my life is spent sharing the Gospel? How do I balance doing all the school stuff and also living the life I want to live spiritually? More questions...

Lord I only want to seek you. Lord teach me to number my days. My life is but a breath, and I want to praise you.

Fire Fall Down...

I have found recently that I have a hard time focusing. I can't be in one place and only in one place. My mind is constantly somewhere else. I don't know...perhaps it's because this semester I've constantly been rushing around having a million and one things to do, and a million and two things on my mind. But it's really detrimental to relationships and to me in general. Whenever I'm talking to somebody, I can't fully listen. I always have something else on my mind. I'm constantly thinking about what I need to do and when I need to do it. I want to really, truly be there for someone when they need it, and truly listen. It's been so hard for me lately.

I can't even focus on doing homework. I always have to check my email or facebook every twenty minutes, because I just cannot keep on task.

The only time I really can be in one place is when I'm alone spending time with God. But then, all I can possibly do is rest and sit and listen, because I'm too worn out and tired from all the busyness that I can't possibly do anything else except let go of the busyness of the day. There must be a better way to live each day than this. There must be.

I can try so hard to stay on top of things. I can get ahead in school over spring break. But it doesn't matter. After a week of being at school, I'll be overwhelmed again. I've got to find a way to live with this and somehow not be at the end of my rope every day.

I start to care so much about all this stuff in my life. School. Grades. Boyfriends. Work. Plans. Future. None of it matters really! All I want is to serve Jesus, right? I want to see Jesus work in my life. I want to hear His voice. But how can I expect to when my life is so full that I can barely even hear a friend's voice?

Something needs to change. I just don't know what.

-C

The sound of silence..

I have had a LOT of things on my mind recently. Thinking about relationship stuff and contemplating things about God and my relationship with him. I've been having a lot of decisions on my mind. Decisions about relationships, where I'll be living next year, and what I'll do this summer. Sometimes I wonder and worry about these things so much. I pray and pray and pray and wonder why I'm not getting any answers. I just want a billboard telling me which way to go.

Then in class today Prof. Fuentes started sharing something about a Proverb that somehow fits with Music Theory. I don't really remember the connection to Music Theory, but he mentioned the Proverb that goes something like this: A man makes decisions but the Lord guides his steps (that's not word for word, so don't quote me). Anyway, he said that many times we worry so much about the big decisions and we do not realize that regardless of the decision, God will guide our small steps. He will bring us to the place we need to be in small steps. So we have to just make a decision in faith, and God will lead us no matter what. Trust him. I definitely needed to hear that. I have been worrying so much about making the wrong decision, but I don't think I'll be making a wrong decision here, if I'm seeking God in all of it. I'm beginning to think that he'll use whichever decision I make and work through it.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

-Colleen

...silence...

I am writing an essay. It's quiet. I've given up listening to music for a while. I hear this generation is the most distracted generation. We are afraid to face silence. We crowd our days with music and television and facebook and movies. Then we wonder why God doesn't speak to us. Perhaps it's because the world is too loud to hear the small whisper. So I gave it up. Music. Facebook. Television. Texting. Movies. I hope to hear more of God's voice on this endeavor. I have some decisions to make, and I really need to know what He wants for me. Oh how desperately I want to know.

I realize though, that it's not possible to get away from music. Music plays in the background everywhere! In the coffee shop, at the dining hall, in the dorm rooms. We really have drowned out our lives with music. It's crazy how that happens.

I am so sleepy. I do not think I can finish this essay right now.

Be silent for a day...or two...or more. See what happens.

-C

You're not alone...

Oh how that is so true. God doesn't leave us alone. He gives us himself. I'm pretty sure I once thought that wasn't enough. I once thought that I needed God + a man to love me. But I've grown to realize this summer and onward, that God is more than enough for me. This year God has blessed me with the greatest group of friends ever. I've never been closer to a group. I've never been challenged more by people, and been kept accountable. I now feel like if I need help with something, I have my friends to go to. If I need advice, I know who to go to. "Iron sharpening iron", that's what I always wanted my friends to be. And now I can confidently say that I have that. Thank God.

Lately I've been really on track with spending a good chunk of time with God each day. And lately, I've realized I've grown to look forward to that time. I get sad when I have to leave. I feel that I am listening to God too. I feel like I'm falling more and more in love with him. I'm so thankful. He's given me dreams multiple times, and he tells me things during my devotions. He's revealing himself more to me. I love it.

He's the "God of the angel armies. He comes down when praises go up."

Let my praise go up to Him.

-C