I know why.

I know why I want to be a music teacher. I want to teach my students to love music. I want them to grasp just a little bit of that passion that I have for music. I want them to understand just a little bit of why I love it so much. I want to make an impact on students' lives. I want them to be able to look back and say, "That Miss Botma really taught me something important." I want to love my students and be able to give them a chance to be good at something. To find something that gives them joy. I want to be able to invest in my students and help them learn something new. I want to be able to bridge that gap between people who are physically not able and people that are physically able. Music is so powerful. It can reach beyond disabilities. I want students to know that they are accepted in my classroom. They can come as they are, and I will take them and encourage them and help them where they're at. I want to really teach my students to appreciate music. I want them to be excited to come to my class. I want to encourage my students to follow their dreams. I want to influence people the way my grandpa influenced people. He was a music teacher, and when he died, so many people told me how he influenced them. I want to be like that. I want to address those challenges that are going to come with teaching. I want to make a way for students who financially are struggling, or who struggle with learning and cannot do well in any other classes. I am beginning to see where my purpose lies as a teacher. I'm beginning to see the plans God might have in store for me. I'm beginning to realize my passion, and realize my gifts. I might actually be really excited to jump in and get prepared to teach.

-C

(Mr. Holland's Opus inspired me. Can you tell?)

Don't leave, cuz I believe we were meant to be...

I'm sitting in the Fish House, where I frequently spend many hours sitting at a table in the back corner, under some low lighting with my giant headphones over my ears, trying to get as much work done as possible. Sean Carey is blaring in my headphones. The soothing piano and melancholy lyrics have drawn me in. I now feel melancholy too. The power of music.

This week has been really good. I've been trying not to rush. Instead I've been trying to enjoy the little things, and manage my time wisely. I spent some time sleeping on Commons Lawn yesterday, and on Monday I went to the gym to work out. I've also managed to get in some good study time. I got A's on my first two tests of the semester. Well, this has all been working out until today.

I constantly fail at overcoming temptation. Sometimes I think I don't have an ounce of self-control. So...I felt kinda crappy all day because I'm just fed up with my lack of self-control. Plus, I was just tired today, and my test didn't go as well as I'd hoped. The day was packed full, and I was hurrying from one place to another carrying a billion things.

So, I'm just sitting here missing a friend, looking forward to October 15th when I see said friend.
And I'm tired. And tired of doing so much homework all the time. So that's why I'm writing this. Not because I have anything too profound to say, but because I'm just too tired to do anything else, although I have a million things looming in the distance that need to be done.

Tonight I just may say "no" to those things, forget about them, and enjoy my night, go to bed early and hopefully be recharged in the morning.

-C

Faithful, You are faithful...

God has blessed me so much today! I got up this morning and trudged off to class with my eyes barely open. When I got there, I realized I had forgotten to do some homework for my next class. During my half hour break between those two classes, I rushed through it, trying to get as much of it done as possible. During that half hour I got a text from each of my parents, telling me how much they love me and are proud of me! It brightened my day.

Then, after that class I got a text from Michael wishing me a good day! I went to the rest of my classes, had a crappy percussion methods test, and returned to my dorm. When I checked my Facebook, I realized I had gotten a really encouraging message from a past teacher/friend of mine!

Wow! What encouragement! Today has been a good day. I realized how much it means when somebody just sends you a kind word. So I sent an encouraging text to a friend...and it turns out that she was having a really crappy day and this was what she needed! God works in interesting ways.

Another thing I've noticed is how easy it is for somebody to get a wrong impression of you. How easily somebody can see you are a hypocrite. I've been watching this kid...ehh..that sounds like I am stalking him. That's not it. I'm friends with him, but I've been paying attention to him, because he went on a long mission trip that I'm pretty interested in. He seems like a really cool guy, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like the ship did much for him. I suppose I shouldn't be the one to judge, but he seems to be only interested in girls. He isn't always very nice, and he "talks smack" a lot. And I may have gotten the wrong impression of him. But it tipped me off. I realized how easily somebody could get the wrong impression of me. Sometimes when we think we're living for Jesus, and obviously being a Christ follower, it's really just subtle. Sometimes when we're doing things that are just serving ourselves, they scream louder. I don't think I'm being completely clear...

Another one of Colleen's realizations..
I was at Evensong last night, and I was worshiping there, and I realized something. I come out of church each week thinking "I'm gonna run this race! Fight this fight! I'm ready to do whatever it takes!" But really, I can't do anything. Every time that I try..I fail. I need to surrender completely to Christ, give my life completely to him. He's the only one that can help me overcome the temptations that lie in front of me. So many times I'm living in the pardon of Christ. I accept that he's forgiven me, but I still feel incredible guilt and constantly am beating myself down because of it. I need to live in the victory of King Jesus! He's won the victory. There's no need for me beating myself down. I need to accept that He is stronger, and I just need to depend on him, because he's already defeated sin and death.

-C

Come all you weary...

I feel..blechh. I don't even know how to quite describe it. A little bit sad, a little frustrated with myself, and just plain confused...

I'm frustrated because I just read a chapter out of a book and was really convicted. It talked about busyness as a sin, and how we need to have time to be praying throughout the day. Because without prayer, we cannot do anything. And I know that I'm too busy. I hate that I rarely get quiet time. I hate that I'm always stressing out and worried. But it's the choice that I made, and I just don't know if I see a way around it. Which brings me to the confused part..

I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I want to serve God. That's as far as it goes for me. Sometimes teaching sounds nice, but sometimes it doesn't. I want to travel. I want to go serve people in a different country. I want to do something for the Kingdom of God. and I want to do it now. And I have an opportunity right here at Calvin. Barnabus. But I'm doing a terrible job at that too. I barely even know anybody on my floor. I'm still majorly struggling with names, and I have a hard time hanging out with my floor. I just want to hang out with my friends.

Basically, I don't like how I'm living right now. I don't like worrying. I don't like living for myself. I don't like being busy all the time and barely making time for devotions. It's gotta change. I just don't exactly know how.

I'm sad because I feel like I keep on missing out on things. I miss out on fun things my friends do, I miss out on fun things my floor does. All because of this busyness. And I'm sad my friend can't come visit this weekend. I was really looking forward to that.

I don't even like school that much. I just like my friends. I am a confused, sad, frustrated girl...and I don't really know what to do about it.

-C