Know that you are free!

I have a hard time making my desires become my actions. A few examples:

• I want to wake up in the morning to do devotions and have quiet time, but..I can't.
• I want to make my piano playing more dynamic, put more feeling in it...but I can't.
• I want to take a leadership role in my Bible study that I am leading...but I can't.
• I want to have a commanding presence when I'm conducting...but I can't.

Perhaps it's because I don't believe that I'm a leader. I'm not quite confident in myself. I like to think that I am, but really, I'm not. I have insecurities, and I think they frequently get the best of me. I want my life to be saturated with Jesus. I want to proclaim Him in my actions and my words. I want it to be obvious I'm a Christian...but not just that. I am a Christ-follower. None of this lukewarm crap. Straight-forward right there Follower of Christ. No negotiations. It's so crazy that this even spreads to my piano playing. I'm just not confident enough to actually play the way that I hear it in my head. I don't know how I'm going to be a teacher, when I don't trust my leadership abilities. I don't truly believe that I'm a leader. But I want to be. I want to somehow gain confidence.

Second, I keep getting sidetracked by international opportunities for next summer. I just have such an urge to go overseas. It's always on my mind. I want to teach English somewhere, or work in an orphanage or something. I got sidetracked for 2 hours the other day looking at different opportunities, and getting excited about them. I want to know what it's like to teach internationally. I want to learn more Spanish. I want to go back to Guatemala. So..I just had to throw that out there.

Third, I am overwhelmed. I need to give it all to God..but it's so hard. I am constantly worrying about all the things I need to get done. I'm already looking forward to next semester, because I can't handle all this busyness. I have no time for me. No time for anything because I'm constantly worrying. It's getting between me and God. I'm falling into old temptations, and I'm just sick of it. I need time. And Jesus.

God, bring me close to you. You can handle all of these things on my mind. I cannot.

-C