Be still my soul...

This week has been so hard. This day...has been near impossible. My heart is so heavy. The youth pastor of my church and his baby boy passed away in a house fire this past weekend. And another friend's father just passed away this weekend as well. I just feel so much for my friend and his family and also my youth pastor Derek's wife and two girls. This morning I went to the funeral of Derek and his son Dylan. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen. Everybody was praising God knowing that through these hard times, he is here, he is stronger, he is strength in our weakness. So many beautiful stories of Derek's passionate faith. It was quite something.

When Rod spoke, I had this strange feeling. He preached on the story of Elisha raising a woman's son from the dead. When he was preaching, I just was so sure that if I prayed right there, that Derek and/or his son would be raised from the dead. I've never been so sure of God's power. I was sure that he could do it. When I whispered the prayer to myself, I was really expecting Derek to walk down the aisle and say "Alright Rod, you don't have to speak anymore.." I heard a baby's cry...I was sure it was Dylan. And I thought that Jesus was going to come right in that instant. But, he didn't. And it wasn't Dylan's cry.

I got back from the funeral, ate lunch, and came back to my room and checked my facebook. That's when I found out my friend's father had passed away. Also a pastor. I just couldn't believe it. At that point I began to cry. I've pretty much cried all night since.

I can't even explain why I'm so sad. I didn't know my friend's dad; I didn't know my youth pastor that well, or his son. But my heart is just so heavy for Charity and Jojo and Ella and Jordan and Jordan's family. I have so much work to do but I have no motivation to do it.

God give me strength. Help me trust in you. I'm so sad right now.

-C

Let the Redeemed of the Lord rise up

A strong man died Thursday night. A man who influenced so many young people. He wasn't afraid to preach the Gospel with boldness. He lived out the Gospel through his actions. He wasn't afraid to humble himself in front of a group of college students and share his weaknesses. He knew that through his weaknesses, God made him strong. This man was the youth pastor at my church. He and his baby boy died Thursday in a house fire. What a tragedy.

It leaves me wondering what I am supposed to be doing now. How do I know how much time I have here on this earth? What do I want to be doing with that time? How do I know when the last time I talk to somebody will be? Have I left anything unsaid? If I were to die soon, would I have been able to die saying that my task is complete? What can I do right now to further the Kingdom of God? So many questions run through my brain...

So often my life is characterized by my own selfishness. Me planning what classes I'm going to take, where I'm going to live, what I'll do after college, who I'll marry, etc. Me worrying about homework coming up or performances. But how much of my life is spent praying to my Love, my Lord, my Savior? How much of my life is spent caring for those who are hurting? How much of my life is spent sharing the Gospel? How do I balance doing all the school stuff and also living the life I want to live spiritually? More questions...

Lord I only want to seek you. Lord teach me to number my days. My life is but a breath, and I want to praise you.