Just open up your eyes and know that I won't let you fall!

I'm sitting at a desk, drinking out of a giant thermos of coffee that says "C-Bot" on the front. I'm listening to a song about giving your fears and worries up to God. "Breathe in now, receive another name. Breathe in now, live without the pain." I just keep listening to this song this week. I've worried so much this week. It got to the point that my neck just felt so strained and tight. I just needed a break. On Thursday I met with my mentor, Sarah. I had a good mango drink and we talked about life. I realized something. I cannot give 100% to every class I'm in and everything I'm involved in. That just isn't possible. All that God requires of me is that I do my best. I just need to give as much as I can to each thing. And that's all I can do. Beyond that, I cannot worry. If I've given as much as I can give, then there's nothing to worry about. I can be content. Man I want that mango drink right now.

Anyway. I still want to fly out of the country. I think about it all the time. How much I want to just go to Guatemala and work at an orphanage. Or go there and help out at JPC (YFC) for the summer. I want to sooo badly. Money holds us back so much from doing the things we want to do. Or I could fly to Calcutta and work with nuns that Mother Teresa worked with. How sweet would that be? Or go to Africa and hang out with some elephants! As you can see, I get pretty excited about stuff like this. Well..someday..it'll happen someday...I hope.

I'm going to start exercising. I hear it relieves stress and makes you feel better. Plus, it keeps you healthy. So I went to the gym yesterday and went on the eliptical for like 40 minutes. It was really nice. I liked it. Good music listening time.

Anyway...that's all.

-C

Know that you are free!

I have a hard time making my desires become my actions. A few examples:

• I want to wake up in the morning to do devotions and have quiet time, but..I can't.
• I want to make my piano playing more dynamic, put more feeling in it...but I can't.
• I want to take a leadership role in my Bible study that I am leading...but I can't.
• I want to have a commanding presence when I'm conducting...but I can't.

Perhaps it's because I don't believe that I'm a leader. I'm not quite confident in myself. I like to think that I am, but really, I'm not. I have insecurities, and I think they frequently get the best of me. I want my life to be saturated with Jesus. I want to proclaim Him in my actions and my words. I want it to be obvious I'm a Christian...but not just that. I am a Christ-follower. None of this lukewarm crap. Straight-forward right there Follower of Christ. No negotiations. It's so crazy that this even spreads to my piano playing. I'm just not confident enough to actually play the way that I hear it in my head. I don't know how I'm going to be a teacher, when I don't trust my leadership abilities. I don't truly believe that I'm a leader. But I want to be. I want to somehow gain confidence.

Second, I keep getting sidetracked by international opportunities for next summer. I just have such an urge to go overseas. It's always on my mind. I want to teach English somewhere, or work in an orphanage or something. I got sidetracked for 2 hours the other day looking at different opportunities, and getting excited about them. I want to know what it's like to teach internationally. I want to learn more Spanish. I want to go back to Guatemala. So..I just had to throw that out there.

Third, I am overwhelmed. I need to give it all to God..but it's so hard. I am constantly worrying about all the things I need to get done. I'm already looking forward to next semester, because I can't handle all this busyness. I have no time for me. No time for anything because I'm constantly worrying. It's getting between me and God. I'm falling into old temptations, and I'm just sick of it. I need time. And Jesus.

God, bring me close to you. You can handle all of these things on my mind. I cannot.

-C

Worthy of my unashamed love...

God taught me something over this weekend. He's teaching me not to worry. I've been really busy, and I know it's going to be a really busy semester, but yesterday I realized I need to give it all to Him, and my life needs to be saturated with Jesus. I realized I had become lazy in my faith. I'd been influenced too much by the lukewarm that one can easily find at Calvin. I heard a sermon at church yesterday that challenged me to fight the fight. To run the race. With all I am. And I'm gonna fail, but that's ok, because Jesus will always be there for me, and he knows I'm going to make mistakes.

Last night I went to a prayer night that Crossroads put on at the Bridge Street House of Prayer. Last night was a night called the Night of Power for Muslims. It's the night where Allah is most likely to answer more prayers. So we prayed that Muslims would come to Jesus. That the Holy Spirit would work in their hearts so they'd turn to Jesus. That they'd have visions and dreams that brought them to Jesus. It was a good night. It felt so good to be in a group with a bigger cause.

-C

Our God will never be shaken...

Today I realized how important the Sabbath is in the Bible. I was reading a part of Exodus, and while I was reading, there were three separate "chunks" that talked about keeping the Sabbath day holy. So I decided that this year, I never will do homework on Sundays. Six days I shall do all my work, but the seventh will be a Sabbath day, a day of rest to honor God. I want Sunday to be a day I look forward to. A day of renewal for the week. A day to remember how God brought me through the last week, and a day to remember that I need to rely on God for the next day. It's really important.

I remember that at camp I would really look forward to Sunday. Worship was awesome, and after worship I got to have solo time. After those two things I would be so recharged and ready to conquer the next week. I would often get distracted from God throughout the week, but Sunday was my day to refocus. To gain perspective again.

I really think this is a good challenge for me this school year. I hope that I can keep it up, and I know that God will bless me through this.